What Your Favorite Type of Apple Says About You
Jonagold: You really want to ask your boss for a raise, but every time you think about doing it, you throw up a little in your mouth. Maybe next year.
Tag: Satire
Writer’s Block Busted! Political Speechwriters Edition
The first step, of course, is to avoid mirrors. This is essential if you are to eliminate the risk of looking yourself in the eye.
Emails Between God and His IT Guy
Don’t worry, Big Man, we’ll figure this out. (By the way, You really should come downstairs to level 5 to get a cupcake!)
Superheroes in the Millennial Legion
As Acai City’s newest hero, Millennial Girl is committed to protecting and serving all citizens born between 1981 and 1998.
I’m the Pharaoh of This House and Therefore Must Be Buried in My Man-Cave
Supposedly, the journey to the after-life is long. And so, I’ll need my grill and some prime-ass steaks for the long ride.
Please Give Me Custody of the Foosball Table
Please, I'm begging you to let me hold those knobs in my hands. I want to hear the sound of that little soccer ball dropping onto the table.
Everything I Have Fantasized About Doing If I Ever Finish “Infinite Jest”
15. Regretting having wasted time and energy on what was pretty much what you would expect a 1,079-page novel written by a white guy in 1996 to be.
I Am Serena’s Tutu
Like Andre Agassi’s mullet, I shall never be replicated. Like Stan Smith’s Stan Smiths, I am immortal.
Thank You for Rescuing Me From This Trash Can I’ve Stuffed Myself Into to Write a Novel
Imagine a book written entirely in uncomfortable places with completely unconventional materials. Genius, isn’t it?
Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love To You” Annotated For All The Sexual Harassers Singing It At Karaoke
Pour the wine, light the fire/Girl your wish is my command* *Theirs is an equal exchange of pleasure, because it's about consent!
The Inaugural Sick Day of a Workaholic
9:00 pm: Apply to 27 jobs for fun (your therapist told you that “hobbies are healthy”) and get them all.
I Hunted the Most Dangerous Game: The Animatronic Creatures at The Rainforest Cafe
A lot of people will call into question whether or not attacking robots in a theme restaurant can be considered a sport.