The Newborn’s Guide to Saving Up for Retirement
You can Airbnb your crib to other infants and sleep in your playpen. Make sure to charge them for the blanket, the mobile, and the cleaning fee.
Tag: Satire
Quiz: Are You Rupert Holmes’s Lady?
2. At your nephew’s bar mitzvah, Rupert “reluctantly” agrees to sing “Escape (the Piña Colada Song)” for the guests. What describes what happens next:
Stop Giving TV Shows Confusing Names and Use My Much Better Ones Instead
"West World" This title could not be more vague. West? World? You’ve lost me. Improved Title: "Beep Boop Yeehaw"
How I Became an Instagram Influencer after the Zombie Apocalypse
Honestly, rediscovering Instagram after dying and reanimating as the insatiable undead has really put me in touch with my humanity again.
6 Reasons Santa Claus is Now Called Jeff Bezos
All I need is for Bezos to read my kids a bedtime story and I will be up for the 2018 award for disconnected dad of the year.
Christmas Letter from the Millers
When not studying, Teddy enjoys playing with action figures despite the fact that he's a grown man. Johnny, my feral child, fathered a couple of kids.
My Name is Connie, But You Know Me as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree
This is so embarrassing to admit, but when I lived upstate, I didn't know how to dress at all. I just hung out in the woods all day with nothing on.
Reindeer Games and Why We Don’t Let Rudolph Play Them
Reindeer Hide-and-Seek: The whole point is to be inconspicuous, but you know that's outside the range of this attention-seeking try-hard.
Wrapping Paper is the Dark Lord’s Curse on the Holiday Season
Your innocence is adorable. Yes! Crumple it, toss that ball of misery across the room. Release your righteous fury!
Updating Christmas Stories and Songs for the Modern World
"It’s A Wonderful Life": George and Mary’s kids, Pete, Janie, Tommy, and Zuzu, all die because George and Mary refused to have them vaccinated.
Five People on Your Holiday Shopping List Who Would Want My Copy of “Timesplitters 2”
Your Rabbi: The Talmud teaches many things, but it doesn’t teach how to destroy the attack helicopter on the roof of the “Oblask Dam” level.
Thanks a Lot for Dumping Me, Your Big-City Fiance, In This Hallmark Holiday Movie
I didn’t know that a first date at a restaurant was inferior to slipping on ice in your heels and falling into the arms of your high school ex.