I’m Worried I’ll Never Get Around to Using All These Good Band Names
My dream came so close to fruition my senior year in college, when my roommate Jim and I started a “pop-thresh garage-inflected post-grunge” band.
Tag: Satire
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Inside the envelope, you will find a series of riddles that you must answer in the languages in which they are provided. Spelling counts.
Reading About Someone Else’s Theme Park Experience Gets Me So Excited
Once I’m on to videos I know there’s no going back and I’m going to hate myself for the rest of the afternoon.
The Awful Male Lead in a Rom-Com is Caught After Lying the Entire Movie
The forces of nature want us to be together until we die or I get bored, and here "forces of nature" means things I deliberately orchestrated.
What I Do With My Bees is None of This Co-Op Board’s Business
Not many people know this, but my bees once stung the hell out of Mario Cuomo. That’s right, this horde of insects is a part of New York history.
Mardi Gras: A Spiritual Necessity
Nearby, a woman shits in the street. This symbolism is unclear. But I’m grateful for the diverse and unique ways that others connect with God.
My Secret Diary: Confessions of a West Los Angeles Boy
Every morning, I wake up and eat a motivational quote for breakfast sprinkled with positive-flavored hemp seeds.
Greetings From Your Left-Out Friend Who Doesn’t Know How to Play Settlers of Catan
I propped cushions and draped a blanket to be safe from the hospitable elements--the laughter, the bonding, the strengthening over some foolish game.
A Room-By-Room Explanation of Why You’re Paranoid and I’m Not Cheating
Is it really necessary to go through the garbage can? Yes, I see the notes you’ve found. They’re also from my mother.
Please Arrest My White Collar Criminal Friend as Gently as Possible
You must place him ever so sweetly on a bed of cotton balls if you’re going to be transporting him to be booked for his many, many financial crimes.
Don’t Forget: Everyone Moves At Their Own Pace But You Are Still Undeniably Behind
You can’t even invite people over to your disgusting apartment? Jorge has a beautiful apartment and he doesn’t share it with four “artists.”
Did You Forget Your Password, You Stupid Bitch?
Security question: What is your maternal grandmother’s first name? We know you paused to remember which side maternal is, you unlearned horse’s ass.