Guys, Here’s What Your Dating Profile Should Really Look Like
A brutally honest portrait of the man you may or may not actually want to date. Warning: includes thoughts on masturbation.
Tag: Relationships
You’re My Boyfriend Now, It’s Squatters Rights
Hey Ted, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we are legally in a relationship now, according to my squatters rights as applicable to relationships in the State of California.
Rex Tillerson’s Honey-Do List from His Wife, Renda
It’s tough going from the head honcho to being a number 2. What do I always say? “If you don’t punch the hog in the nose he’ll make complex international decisions without you.”
Darth Vader Tries Speed Dating
Why are you in a black bodysuit again? And what's up with that helmet? Why do you wear a mask anyway, Mr. Mystery?
Tinder Feature Request: Emergency Unswipe-Right for Cousins
I’m sitting at work, swiping right like I have a muscle spasm and three women have gone by when I begin to ask myself, was that Megan?
My New Stepdad is a US Military Predator Drone
I was hesitant at first. A military guy? Is he every going to be around with all those long deployments? Was my mom really ready for that life?
Melania Trump’s Lost Journal Entries from 2005
A private glimpse into that blissful first year of marriage to Donald J. Trump. Ah, newlyweds.
The Week I Decided to Get Tough on the (Mostly Ecological) Crimes Being Committed in My 4th Floor Loft
The Occupant begins his own thorough cleaning of his apartment. Girlfriend refuses to help, instead deciding to go to the Farmer’s Market and then to a yoga class.
My Boyfriend Was a Hipster and I Had No Idea
There were days when it'd be hot outside and he'd wear a beanie, and not just a light one—stitched wool with snowflakes and reindeer patterns.
The Bachelor’s Application Process is Just That: A Process
Mom wasn’t crazy about the idea of me dating thirty women at once. She said I’d practically be living with a "harem."
This is It, I’m Actually Going into My Crawl Space
My kids look at me and feel empathy for my plight but relief that the task is not theirs. I'm going all the way into the residential abyss.
What Women Really Want on Valentine’s Day
Valentine's Day seduction tips so that one day she may say, “Yes.” From someone who has never been in a relationship (for obvious reasons).