The Side Effects of Mytozarphaul
Impulsive purchases of garden gnomes. Contact your doctor immediately if you accumulate more than fifty, especially if where you live is very small.
Tag: Drugs
How to Tell If Your Pain Advocacy Group is Actually Run By the Makers of OxyContin
An evening workshop is held in a dark alley by "pain management specialists" in Purdue Pharmaceutical shirts, menacingly brandishing baseball bats.
How to Give a Stool Sample with Only 4-6 Emotional Breakdowns in 50 Easy Steps
28. Accidentally get poo on your fingers. 29. Question how humankind can get a person on the moon but can’t develop a less primitive way to procure stool samples.
Oh No, I’m Trapped in a Very Special Episode!
Maybe I should wait for Maisy to realize that anorexia is bad. Maybe I should start a hobby. Maybe I should just crack jokes like usual.
How DARE This Fellow Grindr User Ask Me “How Are You?”
Can I please just host this disco sex party in peace, without the dread of a Grindr message like, "Is there a face to go with your torso?"
An Ode to the Five Pairs of Shoes Who’ve Been With Me Through Everything
I applaud you, as you were comfortable, people complimented you, and you made me appear like I had my shit together, which I did not.
Jared Kushner Email: “Did Anyone Find a Pokémon Backpack in the Oval Office?”
Not only might this backpack contain documents related to the fake Russia investigation, but it also has sentimental value.
Merry Christmas From the Millers to All You Fuckers
Sue grew into her breasts last year and is now popular with the boys, but she is self-identifying as Asian which is also confusing the boys.
4 Reasons You Will Fall Asleep During Sex in Your 20’s
Rejecting the opportunity to Google duck penises all night on the internet just to have sex with someone is a slap in the face to Bill Gates.
The Differences Between Going Abroad as a Tourist, a Backpacker, or a Traveler
Three examples of how self-imposed labels have personally defined my experiences abroad, from utterly tame to absolutely insane.
If You Suffer From Moderate to Severe Arthritis, This Drug is Going to Change Your Goddamn Life
Ask your doctor if Gamora is right for you. If your doctor says it is, wow, that’s a pretty ballsy doctor you've got there. I mean, this shit can literally kill you.
Leaked Audio Transcript of Tom Hanks Celebrating the 23rd Anniversary of “Forrest Gump” on Magic Mushrooms
Disturbing and introspective audio from Tom Hanks' handheld recorder, sent to me anonymously in the form of time-stamped .wav files.