Dad: Nate, why are you calling?
Me: Just wanted to wish you a happy Veteran's Day.
Dad: That's great. Don't forget to call your brother.
Me: This was a nice chat.
Dad: Bye.
Me: So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Brick: I'm gonna go over to my Mom's, eat a lot of turkey and take a nice crap.
Me: You should write for Hallmark.
Me: Hey, happy Veteran's Day? Thanks for serving.
Jay: Don't mention it.
Me: Well, I have to mention it. I mean, you fought for my freedom while I was banging stupid sluts and getting drunk.
Jay: You know, come to think of it, those four years were rough. You owe me.
Me: That's the spirit.
Me: It's like, I don't know. I think I have to start dating some full blown women. I'm tired of dating these stupid college sluts with no vocabulary who think they're gonna change the world with an environmental science degree or some such shit, when the truth is, they'll be in a cubicle making twelve bucks an hour, but I have to listen to this garbage like I'm still in college and still believe the average graduate honestly has a chance to save the world. I can't get these bitches out of my place quick enough.
Brick: See, that's why you're my friend, Nate. Because you get it, man. You fucking get it.
Me: We're going to hell aren't we?
Brick: Heaven and hell are bullshit inventions meant to help keep the masses in line.
Me: Cool. One less thing.
Me: Happy Veteran's Day.
Kevin: Thanks.
Me: No, thank you for killing all those people so I could enjoy the freedoms I have today.
Kevin: Not a problem. I enjoyed every minute of it.
Me: What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Brian: I'm going to my mom's house and getting in arguments about my sexual orientation with no less than five people.
Me: Are you gay or something?
Brian: Yes, Nate. Yes I am.
Me: Wow. I didn't know gay people hung out in dive bars, drank shitty draft beer and played eight ball all the time.
Brian: Gay, poor people aren't very different from other poor people, Nate.
Me: Happy Veteran's Day.
Grandpa: Huh? Is today Veteran's Day?
Me: Yes sir. Thanks for serving.
Grandpa: Well, I'll be. That was a while ago though.
Me: Indeed it was.
Me: So, since you're gay, can I ask you a question?
Brian: What?
Me: What do you think of this shirt?
Brian: I think it has a mustard stain on it.
Me: Shit.
Labels: snippets