Me: John Galbraith died.
Main: Who?
Me: He wrote, “The Affluent Society.” It was the book that basically encouraged America to increase cheap labor and outsource work to other countries because we were too rich with consumer goods and too poor on service. He also advised a lot of world leaders in the sixties and seventies.
Main: Ahh, so it’s all his fault.

Me: I’m tired of these middle aged women talking about my butt.
Amy: You know you love it.
Me: I used to, but it’s like now, after all the comments for days on end, it’s like, I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Amy: Wow. You’re over your own ass.

Me: Today, immigrants stayed home from work to protest.
Luke: To protest what?
Me: There’s a law being proposed that would restrict access to citizenship for immigrants.
Luke: So, to protest it, the immigrants are gonna stay at home and watch soap operas or something?
Me: Actually, I think they’re gonna participate in some huge rally.
Luke: What a waste of a day off.

Luke: So, do you think that America should tighten its borders?
Me: No.
Luke: Why not?
Me: I like stuff cheap.

Royce: Well, I’m in the We Ain’t Right Club, now. I had to screw a fat girl with ten teeth to do it, but I’m in.
Me: Can I be in?
Royce: No.
Me: Why not?
Royce: ‘Cause you really ain’t right. You’re too not right for the We Ain’t Right Club.
Me: Wow. Is that a compliment?
Royce: Nate, I don’t know if it’s a compliment or an insult. But it’s certainly the truth.

Me: Who would win in a fight: Jesus or Superman?
Royce: Well, since I’m probably going to hell anyway, I’m gonna go with Superman.
Me: But Jesus is immortal and can work miracles.
Royce: Yeah, but Superman can fly and he has X-ray vision.
Me: I don’t know. Couldn’t Jesus just miracle up some kryptonite?
Royce: No. It’s not of this Earth.
Me: So what? Jesus’s powers are limited to this Earth? I mean, what are you now? A reverend or something?
Royce: I’m the vice president of the We Ain’t Right Club and I say that Jesus loses to Superman every time. Now, since Jesus can’t die, he could always come back and forgive Superman or maybe even work a miracle so that Superman loses his powers, but as long as Soop has his powers, he’s winning every time.
Me: All right, Mr. Vice President. I’m glad we got that cleared up and I thank you for your input.
James: Did Royce just refer to Superman as Soop?
Me: Yeah. He ain’t right.

Royce: How much did you pay for those breasts?
Liz: Fortyseven hundred.
Royce: How long ago’d you get ‘em?
Liz: Three years.
Royce: Have you gotten a good return on your investment?
Liz: I’ve gained about twenty grand worth of diamonds.
Royce: Now, that’s what I call a sound financial plan.
Me: You… you definitely ain’t right.

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