Ryan: Guess who died?
Me: Sean Penn.
Ryan: No man. Girl Baby. You know? My gay uncle?
Me: God rest his queer soul.
Ryan: I mean, I ain’t prejudice ‘gainst gays or nothing, but I can’t believe I gotta drive all the way to Augusta because some faggot couldn’t wrap his dick.
Me: Well, as long as you’re not prejudice against gays or nothing—
Ryan: I’m just saying, if he was straight, he probably would have lived longer and then he would have died later. And maybe I wouldn’t have to drive my ass seven hours as a result.
Me: Death: the final inconvenience.
Ryan: You strange.
Me: Let’s toast him.
Ryan: Toast him?
Me: Yeah, we’ll raise our glasses and drink to him.
Ryan: Okay…
Me: To Girl Baby. Rest in peace.
Ryan: Bye, Girl Baby. Hope you find a whole lot of hot young dudes in heaven, you old queer.
Me: Aww, that was sweet.
Ryan: Cheers.
Me: Cheers.
Me: Let me get whatever she wants, a Heineken, and I’ll buy Wild his next one.
Wild: Holy shit. Nate just bought me a beer for no reason. Dude, are you feeling okay?
Me: Funny.
Wild: No, seriously. You ain’t dying or nothing? I remember in high school how they said that people who’re gonna commit suicide just start giving stuff away.
Me: Wild, they mean giving away personal belongings. Not buying beer. I’m not suicidal.
Wild: Well, if you ever get suicidal, I want your TV.
Me: Enjoy the beer, Wild.
Me: Girls crack me up. You have no money to go out, but instead of just abridging your plans to reflect that, you go searching for men to pay for your stuff. And then you call that a plan.
Amy: Well yeah, honey. We’re women. It’s what we do.
Me: And then you take pride in it. Man, I hate being heterosexual sometimes.
Me: I’m gonna write a huge book with nothing but snippets in it.
Amy: Wow. You know that would be a totally great book for the toilet.
Me: Finally, I have found my audience. They were in the can the whole time. Who knew?
Amy: Who didn’t?