Ben: So I come out of the bathroom and my date’s eating a plate of bacon.
Me: What? What time was this?
Ben: Around Six PM.
Me: Did she have like, some eggs or some bread or something?
Ben: Nothing. Just a plate of bacon.
Me: Wow, Midwestern women, man.
Ben: Needless to say, I don’t think I’m gonna be dating her again. I don’t think you can put a lot of faith in a chick who thinks that a plate of bacon is a snack. I mean, how would you feel?
Me: Don’t put me in the middle of your problems.
Janie: I lost ten pounds in three weeks.
Carl: How?
Janie: Cigarettes and speed.
Me: So you sacrificed your health to look good.
Carl: At least she’s got one of the two. We’re both screwed.
Main: We wouldn’t have all these damn reality shows if you had done something with your degree.
Me: What?
Main: Seriously, if you were out there writing for TV then maybe I’d have something decent to watch.
Me: You can always read.
Tony and Main: Fuck that.
Tony: Tropical Storm Arlene; first one of the season. They say it’s gonna hit Louisiana.
Main: And how many did they get right last year?
Tony: None.
Main: So why should we listen to ‘em this year?
Tony: What the hell else we gonna do with ‘em?
Main: I don’t know about you, but I’m all for incarceration.
Tiffany: Do you have any idea how hard it is for someone with my hair and skin tone to find the right lip gloss to go with a peach dress?
Me: Are you talking to me?
Tiffany: Yes.
Me: Why?
Tiffany: Good God, I don’t know.
Tara: I can’t believe you drink Michelob Ultra, Lee. Are you worried about carbs or something?
Lee: Carbohydrates? Hell no. I drink Mick Ultra ‘cause it’s the Ultra Michelob. You know, Ultra means Ultimate.
Tara: Maybe, but that’s diet beer. It’s the healthiest beer on the market.
Lee: Really?
Pat: Really, man. I always thought you were on a diet or something.
Lee: Well hell, pour me a Michelob light. I guess you learn something new every day.
Pat: I guess so. How long have you been drinking that crap?
Lee: About three months.
Me: Dude, how did you miss two years worth of intense television, radio and print marketing?
Lee: I guess I was too busy drinking.
Pat: Classic.
AJ: What’s her problem?
Joe: She’s beautiful.
Greg: So that gives her the right to be a total bitch?
Joe: To you ugly fools, yeah. She’s nice to Nate.
Me: No she’s not. She’s just not rude to me.
Joe: Nate, that’s her being nice. She likes you.
Me: If that’s as nice as she gets, I’ll stay on my side of the bar, thanks.
Ben: The thing is, Nate’s a really good guy. I mean he’s insensitive, crude, he hardly ever thinks before he speaks and sometimes he makes really bad decisions, but that’s only because he refuses to walk on egg shells around people.
Me: So, what’s good about me again?
Ben: Give me a minute. I’m a little drunk.
Charity: I think you’d make a great teacher, Nate.
Lloyd: Teacher of what?
Royce: Oh yeah, I can see it now. ‘Class, today we’re gonna practice deductive reasoning. Now, who can tell me the best way to figure out where I left my car last night?’
Me: I’d make a great teacher. I’m intelligent, entertaining and kids like me. Stop laughing Lloyd.
Lloyd: I’m sorry, man. I thought you were joking.
Carl: The secret to a great barbecue is great meat, the perfect marinade, the right fire and vegetables that really compliment the flavor of the meat.
Dan: That’s four secrets.
Carl: Do you wanna eat or don’t ya?
Chip: How much do you pay in child support?
Me: Nothing.
Chip: How’d you pull that off?
Me: I don’t have a child.
Chip: Well, I’ll be damned.
Phil: Someone gave me one of those pedometers.
Me: What?
Phil: You know, those things that tell you how many steps you’ve taken in a day.
Me: Why would you want that?
Phil: I don’t know. I’m thinking about getting rid of the thing. According to it, I’ve taken nineteen steps all day.
Me: Dude, it’s Six PM.
Phil: Yeah, this thing is like a laziness reminder. Do you think you could throw it away for me?
Me: Sure: God forbid you take another ten steps.
Phil: I’m saying.
Ben: The thing about Sara is, when you describe her, you have to mention her boobs because everyone notices them. You’ll be like, ‘you know, she has brown hair, brown eyes, she’s about five six’ and people will be like ‘don’t know her’ and then you’ll be like ‘you know her, she’s got those huge boobs’ and people will say, ‘oh yeah, Sara.’
Trevor: Phil, when was the last time you got your heart rate up?
Phil: Uh, I think her name was Stephanie.
Chris: You have this uncanny knack for finding weird places and bizarre characters.
Me: If only I could patent that.
Carl: Most people don’t want that.
Chris: Yeah, they just wanna see it on TV.
Me: What do you think about this war?
Luke: Which one?
Me: The war on terror.
Luke: Which terror?
Me: All of ‘em, I guess.
Luke: Sounds like we bit off more than we can chew.
Jamie: Are you gonna eat with that fork?
Carl: Yeah.
Jamie: But you dropped it on the ground.
Carl: You wanna get me another one?
Jamie: No.
Carl: Okay then.
Jamie: Fine, but don’t blame me if you get sick.
Carl: All I’ve ever blamed you for is crappy directions and falling asleep in movie theatres.
Jamie: Well, they’re so cold and comfortable…