>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
November 21, 2004

Guess what, readers? Have I got a treat for you! Your favorite column (no, not Maddox, you insipid jackweed!) is coming to DVD just in time for Kwanzaa. I know, I'm excited, too.

Last week, we had a DVD release party at the Days Inn in Hartford. Big celebrities like Paris Hilton's dog and that guy who played the cop in S.W.A.T. were on hand to show their support.

The Casual Misanthropy Super-Duper EXXTREME Life-Altering Gold Standard Ultimate Edition—IN HD! is coming to stores and will be sold on Amazon, Best Buy, and Tubgirl.com in less than two weeks. Get your Gold Card and five finger discount ready.

So what special features can you expect from the Casual Misanthropy Super-Duper EXXTREME Life-Altering Gold Standard Ultimate Edition—IN HD!?! Oh, I'm glad you asked. Wait, you didn't ask? Well screw you then!

IMPROVED CLARITY AND SOUND

Check out this little ditty from my “Don't Be THAT Girl” column:

“Listen, ladies, if you're tipping the scales—and by “tipping the scales,” I mean, you could bake a pizza with your ankle fat—please do us a favor and not wear skin-tight clothes around. It's like looking at a goddamn butcher shop!”

Now, check out the DVD version:

“LISTEN, LADIES, IF YOU'RE TIPPING THE SCALES—AND BY “TIPPING THE SCALES,” I MEAN, YOU COULD BAKE A PIZZA WITH YOUR ANKLE FAT—PLEASE DO US A FAVOR AND NOT WEAR SKIN-TIGHT CLOTHES AROUND. IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT A GODDAMN BUTCHER SHOP!”

Look at the difference. The words just jump off the page, don't they? But wait, there's more.

DELETED SCENES

You might think I've said everything I've ever wanted with little to no regard for the human condition. You might be wrong. In fact, you are wrong. Go play in traffic. Check out what we left on the cutting room floor:

(Original Version from “Peevin' Over Pinstripes, Part Deux“)

Me: I don't know about the Yankees this year.
Yankee fan: 26 titles.
Me: Yeah, I know, but their team is shaky.
Yankee fan: 26. We still got Pettite.
Me: No you don't, he went to Houston. They have no defense.
Yankee fan: We still got Soriano.
Me: No, he's gone now. And he sucked at defense.
Yankee fan: Yeah, well 26 titles.
Me: I realize that, but this team is different.
Yankee fan: We still have Paul O'Neill.

(Expanded Version on Casual Misanthropy Super-Duper EXXTREME Life-Altering Gold Standard Ultimate Edition—IN HD!)

Me: I don't know about the Yankees this year.
Yankee fan: 26 titles.
Me: Yeah, I know, but their team is shaky.
Yankee fan: 26. We still got Pettite.
Me: No you don't, he went to Houston. They have no defense.
Yankee fan: We still got Soriano.
Me: No, he's gone now. And he sucked at defense.
Yankee fan: Yeah, well 26 titles.
Me: I realize that, but this team is different.
Yankee fan: We still have Paul O'Neill. Besides, we're going to sweep you in the ALCS anyway.
Me: What makes you think that?
Yankee fan: We're the Yankees, we'd never blow a 3-0 series lead, resort to puss-slapping the ball out of a first-basemen's hand, and being slaughtered on our home field by a 38-year-old pitcher working with a pint of blood in his sock.
Me: Yeah, you're probably right about that one.

COLUMNIST COMMENTARIES

I know you've been wondering what the blue hell I'm thinking as I'm unloading grammatical terror unto the internet community, now you'll know.

Commentary for “For Whom the Bell Tolls“:

Justin: Should I tell them about the time Taco Bell gave me dysentery? No. Should I tell them Taco Bell paid me $6.2 million for writing this propaganda? No.

Group Commentary from “It's Over MTV, Please Move On“:

Justin: What I was trying to do here was explain my hatred for MTV.
Canadian: Hey, remember that time Justin got that hot dog and forgot mustard, so he put on ketchup, and we made fun of him. And he was all “Guys, I like ketchup. It wasn't a mistake.” And we were all “You are such a dummy!” Remember?
Beech: Can I use that anecdote for a column?

DVD-ROM FEATURES

For those of you who own a computer and have Internet accessibility, which I'm assuming is all of you. (That would be kinda creepy if you could read this without internet. Okay, you're freaking me out.) Anyways, Casual Misanthropy Super-Duper EXXTREME Life-Altering Gold Standard Ultimate Edition—IN HD! has games!

Fill in the Blanks:
Ramon Chacon is a G-Y D–CH-BAG

The Casual Misanthropy Super-Duper EXXTREME Life-Altering Gold Standard Ultimate Edition—IN HD! can be yours for the low low high low price of $103.95. With that, you get all 52 issues of Casual Misanthropy, including the lost “Time I Tried Midol” issue, which Court refused to air under pressure from feminists and that lady at the drug store with the lazy eye that I Danza-slapped.

You also get a complimentary case, a Bucky O'Hare lunch box that's a replica of the one I had when I was 8. Not to mention:

*Conversations with Court
Court: Dude, could you shake the last few drops out for me?

*Behind the Scenes (Stolen from “JAWS” on DVD)
“The mechanical shark didn't work. Richard Dreyfus was constantly bitching.”

*Free Abercrombie Hooded Sweatshirt
Simply bring in your proof of purchase of Casual Misanthropy Super-Duper EXXTREME Life-Altering Gold Standard Ultimate Edition—IN HD!, grow a pair of balls, and steal an Abercrombie hooded sweatshirt.

All yours for the low, low, high, low price of $135.95. Yes, it was only $103.95 before, that's why you have to act now. Hurry up. Just skip Canadian's column. Order now!

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