With graduation quickly approaching, you're probably thinking now's the time to start looking for a real job. Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news for you. The bad news is, the unemployment rate is still pretty high and those four years (or in my case, six) and $100,000 you just spent on college is gonna land you nowhere in this economy. Also, you're going to be spending the next forty years of your life paying that $100,000 back. And you're never going to actually use your degree. And you're probably going to end up in a loveless marriage with three unappreciative bratty kids who suck you dry of all your self-worth. And then, while you're out getting pizza one afternoon, your spouse will leave you for a younger, much more attractive version of yourself who doesn't nag or ask when dinner is. The good news is, I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO.

All that being said, you're probably going to spend at least the next five years of your life in some sort of retail/customer service position until the economy turns around (haha) or until you win the lottery (hahahaha). Oddly enough, that position looks a lot like this position:

Stick figures having sex doggystyle position

So as you prepare yourself for a career in customer service (after you graduate college, a retail job is no long considered "cute" or "a way to make extra cash," it's just really, really sad), I want to help put you into the mindset of the wonderful consumers you're about to encounter on a regular basis.

1. "Forget for a minute that you're a human being."

I get it. Your dad just died and you got hit by a car on your bike on the way here. I'm sure all of that is fascinating. But could you shut up long enough to make my Whopper? And could you stop crying into my fries? Oh, and could you get me a straw? And a napkin? And then could you possibly wipe my ass for me?

2. "Whatever you're doing, do it faster."

Listen, people have real jobs to get to, so could you make that McMuffin a little faster? I've got a Gap employee to harass and a US Bank customer service representative to reduce to tears.

3. "I'm glad I have holidays off. Me. Not you."

It really sucks that they make you work on Christmas. I'm really sorry about that. It's just really not fair—oh wait, I asked for this steak to be medium rare. It looks medium. Could you take it back?

4. "You've got legs. Use them."

I realize I could walk the five feet to the condiment bar and get a Splenda myself, but you're RIGHT THERE. Could you walk the five feet to the condiment bar and get a Splenda for me?

5. "Everything is your fault."

I got a parking ticket, my husband is cheating on me, my Pomeranian has alopecia and my right pinky toe hurts. I understand that none of this is your fault, but I'm going to take it out on you and be a dick anyway.

6. "I know how to do your job better than you."

Let's disregard the fact that you've been working here for however many months/years. And that you had to take a bunch of shitty, boring training classes. Or that you spend eight hours a day, five days a week doing this job. As someone who is in here for up to 10 minutes at a time, let me tell you how to do your job for you. From the other side of the counter. In front of other customers. Making you feel like a piece of shit makes me feel better about my own monotonous existence.

7. "Since you work here, you're probably an idiot."

Listen, Robot, I don't want view my coffee shop barista or my fast food restaurant cashier to be an actual person. It's much easier for me to just assume that Starbucks or McDonald's created you at their factory where they create all of their employees. So just smile, make my order, give me everything I want, and we won't have any problems. I don't care that you're in school or that you already graduated or that you're in a master's program at Harvard. Give me more free ketchup!

8. "This call is really important."

I honestly don't know why you feel the need to interrupt my phone call to try to take my order—it's rude and inconveniencing. Don't you understand exactly what I want when I randomly point at the menu and mumble "coffee"? Oh, and when you get it wrong, I am going to yell at you.

9. "You should know everything and nothing at the same time."

What do you mean you don't know if the Denny's off Route 9 in Topeka, Kansas is open past ten? Or what the phone number is to the Holiday Inn on Times Square? God, don't you know anything?

10. "You should be grateful for everything I do for you."

Here! Look! I'm putting thirty five cents into the tip jar. No, don't turn away, watch me put it in there otherwise it doesn't count! LOOK!!! Oh, you didn't see? Well, since you didn't see it, I just wanted to tell you that I put it in there, so you know I put it in there, so you can thank me and be grateful that I'm helping put some Top Ramen on your $25 IKEA kitchen table.

Now that you've caught this glimpse into the heads of consumers everywhere, I hope you're better armed for the journey you're about to embark on; the horrible, degrading, mindfucking journey called customer service. Now click the "5 star" rating underneath this article, Robot.