Soooooo, I've been working a lot over the last few days.

During this conflict of “Could I live without this job?” and “Wouldn't dying be better?”, I've had the benefit of driving subs over the greater Morgantown area, getting little in tips but having a fun time with the drunks.

Well, it's not completely awful; the best part of working at where I do (Jimmy John's) is that I'm not forced to deal with 40 year-old child molesters as co-workers. The owner seems to only hire people my age; though, admittedly, these “people my age” have a fascination with house techno and emo (not really my style). Not only that, they have a terrible tendency to talk to me about books. Sorta like, “You're an English Major, Nick Gaudio; let me tell you my problems, for you shall solve them through the use of decoding this Sylvia Plath poem!”

Not so.

I don't like hearing about reading habits unless I ask. Nor do I like or read that nutty, nutty lesbian.

Either way, a few days ago, a girl I work with (and don't remember her name) was reading some stupid list (in the shape of a book) that read off all the things you or I could relate to, knowing that everybody obviously has too many friends.

I, for one, have friends, yes. But when the joke goes something like “You know you have two many friends when you get four of the same colored blouses for your birthday! *giggle*” I tend to think that the source of that joke is somewhat of a…well…a steaming pile of horseshit.

So, right now, I'd like to make my own little, more realistic list (in the shape of a…list) of what it means to have too many friends.

I dedicate this to MY FRIENDS, who are short both in stature (Samuel Houck), short in number, and short in the qualities of the people I'm about to mention.

Without further ado:

You Know You Have Too Many Friends…

-when you buy a case of beer and it lasts approximately seven minutes.
-when you pack a bowl and it lasts approximately 1/32 of a circle.
-when your cell phone never shuts the fuck up!
-when your car has burn marks over not only the ceiling, but in the headrest, on the steering wheel, and through your exhaust pipe.
-when your iPod has more fingerprints on it than your mother's dildo.
-when you wake up after a party and come to find that your entire body is covered in Sharpie
-when your apartment doesn't have a carpet, but a conglomerate of half-full beer bottles.
-when every Sunday, you're moving somebody's SHIT to another place.
-when you go to the bar and need a wingman and the girl you called is being “wingman-ed” by at least seven of your friends.
-when you're 148th on the beer pong list.
-when you're 209th on the Guitar Hero or Halo list.
-when your best friend cock-to-mouth fucks a girl who your second best friend licked, who an acquaintance of yours fingered who you kissed after all of it.
-when you're fucking a girl and in your closet isn't a hiding place for your best photography major friend, but full of his family and your roommates.
-when there's standing room only in the back of your buddy's truck.
-when shotgun has to be called seven hours in advance.
-when you buy a pizza and get only a pepperoni that fell in the litter box.

That's when you know you have too many friends.

And that's it for now kids.

Hope you enjoyed it, I'm off to play Halo; and I was only 2nd on the list.

Also, I want to say that I fully support nothing. I am an anarchist; I am here to steal your souls!

Welp, back to work for the next few days!

Gaudio out.


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