I'm a keen movie goer. If a film features an undead maniac hacking up naked twenty-somethings with gardening tools, animation, conquest-minded aliens battling each other (said aliens possibly requiring the vocal talents of James Earl Jones) or two hot guys getting naked and horizontal and the film isn't about wrestling, then I'll probably be there, fourth from front row—close enough to the screen to appreciate Robert Pattinson's nipples 40 feet high and in stereo, but out of skittle range of any wee, ritalin-deprived hell trolls (aka "children") who decide to forcibly share their over-priced snack treats with their fellow audience members.
Alas, the other day I was tricked by a group of female friends into seeing THE PROPOSAL. They managed to get my bum on the cinema seat by uttering eight magic words: "Foul-mouthed Betty White" and "bare-arsed Ryan Reynolds". I knew I was in for a nightmare (and not the good kind that comes with a burned guy in a red and green sweater with knives for fingers) when the screen presented me with an additional four words: "and starring Sandra Bullock".
I mean, I'm sure Ms. Bullock is a lovely lady (not that I can vouch for her; I mean, she could torture Girl Scouts in her garage with rusty, white-hot orthodontic tools for all I know) but there's only one way she could have ever won an Oscar, and Jack Palance is regrettably dead, rest-his-cuecard-name-misreading soul.
With that in mind, during the car-ride home, my female friends were subjected to my freshly diagnosed case of Romcomophobia (aka Julia Roberts' Syndrome), symptoms of which include foaming at the mouth, regurgitation of popcorn into the wheel-wells of Volkswagens, cursing the genital size of Sandra Bullock's hypothetical future offspring and repeated viewings of 1985's C.H.U.D. (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) until I could close my eyes without visualizing Sandra Bullock in only a towel.
My friends were fed up with my Bullockism, and challenged me to come up with a better movie idea myself, giving me both an idea for a blog entry here on PIC and a vengeful plan to score them all tickets to THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT and tell them it's a musical about house-sitting starring Miley Cyrus.
With that in mind, here's how I would re-jig, "re-imagine", improve or overhaul several major movie franchises if I was pulling the Hollywood purse-strings to make them more tolerable to your average movie goer. If you see any of these ideas pilfered from me and actually used in upcoming movies, by reading this, you're all automatically agreeing to be my witnesses in the ensuing legal proceedings…
TERMINATOR V: YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US
-John Connor and a young Kyle Reese must face ruthless cyborg hunter-killers sent back by Skynet to kill anyone who has a Twitter account; Our two heroes then get spammed eighteen times a day by Demi Moore twittering about the colour and consistency of her and Ashton's bowel movements, and decide Skynet has the right idea.
BATMAN: EVEN DARKER KNIGHT
-Realising that Hollywood has snapped up all of Australia's 20-40 year old actors, but still wanting to cash in on the trend, Batman realizes his only option left is to cast Kiwi actor Russell Crowe as the Penguin. Faced with both Christian Bale and Russell Crowe on the same set, the film's Director of Photography checks into Arkham Asylum for his own safety.
STAR WARS: RISE OF THE RETCON REBELLION
-The Empire freezes George Lucas in Carbonite to stop him raping anymore childhoods.
SAW VI: JIGSAW DIED THREE FILMS AGO WHY ARE WE STILL MAKING THESE?
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 4: PROM NIGHT
-Zac Efron and Carrie White have a telekinetic battle over whom gets to be Prom Queen.
FREDDY VS JASON VS LEATHERFACE VS MICHAEL MYERS VS CHUCKY VS PINHEAD VS WHAT THE HELL, UWE BOLL
INDIANA JONES AND THE CRYSTAL HIP REPLACEMENT
-The swashbuckling archaeologist is dismayed to find out that his Zimmer frame is made from melted down Nazi gold and he is cursed to stand on his front lawn and yell at teenagers to turn down their music.
PEREZ, JE DETESTE
-Winner of the Rosy Palme at the Cannes Film Festival, this charming European film consists of nothing but Perez Hilton getting repeatedly pistol-whipped for 3 and a half heartwarming hours.
CONFUSION: THE MOVIE
-James Marsters and James Marsden, David Keith and Keith David, Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman play sextuplets, all called "Pete." Morgan Freeman plays a character who is mute, but manages to narrate the film anyway.