*Reflecting more on me than the movies themselves*
You, Me, and Shit That's 16 Bucks Already?
Alternate Title: Okay, but you're getting a small. Can you believe the prices at the box office these days? I remember when tickets cost 5 bucks, and there were NO homosexuals. Now you can't even go to the movies without seeing two guys kissing… in the row right in front of you. Damn, in my day they had the decency to die of AIDS. And that Sparrow character, what's with the fingers. Hunting around for a Dead Man's Chest, hell the pirates we knew only hunted ladies' chests-
Okay Incredibly Ignorant and Awkward Grandpa, that's enough. Yes, I know you mean well. Let's fire off a volley of reviews at these sitting ducks.
Pirates of the Caribbean- Or ‘Rates of the Carib as I like to say. This movie knocked my pants off, undid my swash-buckle, zipper, and everything. Oh, she was good too, teasing me with cannonballs and tentacles. But just as she was about to blow the man down so to speak, just as I was about to live the pirates life, YO-HO, the fuse went out, and it was revealed I would have to wait for another sequel to get any sort of closure. Damn you, Disney, you hooked me with A Land Before Time part 96: No Longer About Dinosaurs, Actually Just a Human Movie Now. And now you've done it again. Well Played.
Oh, and another thing. Yes, we get that this movie is an elaborate spin-off from that animatronic ride at your shitty park of dreams. (Note: I never have to wait in line in my dreams… unless I happen to be dreaming I'm at DISNEY WORLD.) But ever since I went on that ride, I've suffered a sixteen year depression waiting for someone to once again make that brilliant “dog with the keys in his mouth” joke. I was quite disappointed to find you only used it 3 times. I mean the prequel only had one or two so I guess that's an improvement, but c'mon.
More dog with the keys references, please.
It's the only thing that can release me from this Irony Cage.
Monster House- What did I say about animated houses? You didn't listen and now you're asking for it.
You'll be hearing from my lawyer… or dad.
The Devil Wears Prada- The Devil also makes bad movies… under the stage name Anne Hathaway. Weren't you naked in something, Anne? How does it feel knowing that at any moment I can go to Hollywood Video and check out your New Releases. Don't answer that here… we'll talk in person.
A Scanner Darkly- A Confusing Movie-ly. Richard Linklater graduated from the university I currently attend. He even had a Q and A session with my class a while back. In retrospect I should have asked what the fuck he will be thinking when he makes this movie. I kid, of course. It's a good flick, just too brain-heavy to really be “entertaining.”
They should have made one of those annoying trailers in which they interview a screening audience as they exit and created a montage of their responses:
– What?
– Huh?
– Um, I think I got it, but I don't know if I totally got it?
– It was about drugs right?
– Wow, that movie is totally bitchin' if you're stoned!
(The last guy actually just came out of You, Me, and Dupree… the original.)
You, Me, and Dupree- As much as I'd like to do an entire article about Owen Wilson's recent rise to overpopularity, I already have!
Nacho Libre- It's a shame that the director of Napoleon Dynamite has such great aesthetic but such sorry humor. Did you get paid by the fart joke, Jared Hess, or was it your grand ambition once you made it in hollywood to have a man in tights let out a squeaker with every leap? Thanks for showing the world Jack Black from every angle but the funny one.
The nun was hot though, right? RIGHT!
Superman Returns- Uh, when did Superman leave? Probably halfway through his own movie.
Superman: That's not how it happened.
Nerdy kid: SHHhtthh. I'm trying to watch the Man of Steel.
Superman: I'll tell you who's a man of steel, stealing my story and ruining it completely… Bryan Singer that's who.
Crowd: Get over yourself, Clark… BENT all over himself.
Superman: I hate you. *flies away teary eyed… but they're the manliest fucking tears YOU ever saw, I'll tell you that much*
Honestly, this one aint that bad, and I'll let you in on a secret. As I watched it, I too wondered why nobody could tell Clark was just Superman with glasses. I know… even a high-minded comedy scholar has hack thoughts sometimes.
The Ant Bully- I liked this movie better when I said “I liked this movie better when it was called A Bug's Life.” And that was during ANTZ.
C'mon Pixar Knockoffs, even 6-year-olds are starting to see through your strategy: Some small, imaginary, or inanimate thing is personified through cgi-animation, exposing ties to our world with this mysterious other with jokes that fly over kid's heads, but well below par. Of course the parents yuk it up, and their children chime in as a learned behavior, until we are a nation of family of fours cackling at the fact that a lemur is singing “I like to move it, move it.”
And that comment was snobby, uncalled for, and largely uninformed. But if a talking Post-It Note had said it, you would have loved it… almost as much as the antics of the bumbling paper clips. Office Supplies. Get the Memo Spring 2007.*
Clerks II- The sequel to the notoriously low-budgeted talking-heads cult classic paradoxically displays even less film savvy than the first. The dialogue was on-the-nose rather than off-the-cuff, and the humor left me in disbelief rather than stitches. This cannot be the same Kevin Smith. Sadly, Neither his directing nor Dante and Randall have aged well.
Perhaps I, like the Milk Maid, am being too picky as I feed off the teat of the Silent One, but I think if you check the date on Smith's humor, it went sour right around Jersey Girl.
My Super Ex-Girlfriend- Movies making fun of super hero movies is the new Super Hero movies. Dare someone go meta enough to make a movie making fun of a super hero mocking movie?
Little Man- You know how there are movies SO bad that they are actually good? This one is only bad enough to make it bad forever.
But don't take my word for it, go see White Chicks.
*Am I insane or does someone else actually think that has potential?