Due to restrictions on Chinese trading, American markets took a serious dip, today. Fortunately, this has no impact on my portfolio because most of my money is locked up in baseball cards. I also have a few comic book holdings. You know, to hedge my bets and all that.

A recent study shows that many sororities discriminate against fat women. Also, in case you were wondering, water has a tendency to get you wet. So watch out for that.

I hooked up with a chick a while back. As we got to know each other, she said to me, “I want you to know that there's no future in this. I'm engaged.” I can't tell you how disappointed I was. No really.

Recently, I decided to try to date some of those straight-edge “husband shopping” chicks. I went on three really nice dates, felt some chemistry and some bodies, only to be kicked to the curb after Google searches revealed me for what I am. The internet is weird. Anyway, I guess it's back to good-time party sluts for me. I can't tell you how disappointed I am. No really.

If I ever get to give an Oscar speech, I'm gonna thank Oscar, himself. Seems to me like he deserves the accolades and yet no one ever thanks the little, shiny bastard. Poor Oscar.

Recently, after a budget analysis, I have concluded that forty three percent of my annual income is spent drunk. The lesson, as always, is never make important purchases while wasted. And if you don't believe me, just ask my mail order bride.

In Tampa, a middle school principal was recently arrested for possession of crack cocaine. I don't have a joke here. I just wanted to tell you that.

Former PIC writer, Amir “I can't spell his last name” Blumenfeld wrote this hilarious piece about visiting Canada. Read it and I promise you'll laugh.

Friday afternoon, I will be flying into Atlanta to get wasted with Fearless Editor Court Sullivan and Stoned Poet Nick Gaudio. In preparation for this trip, I lost my ATM card. Well, I mean, I didn't mean to lose the card, but it was probably still good thinking on the part of my subconscious.

It's just too bad I can't high five my subconscious.

Oh yeah, and if you're gonna be in Atlanta from March 2nd through March 5th and you'd like to experience the sheer pleasure that is drinking heavily with a computer nerd, an English geek and a reformed criminal, now's your chance. Just email me at [email protected] and I'll tell you why we can't meet up with you (hint: you're not a chick).

And finally, because logic and fluidity are still on hold with Bank of America, I leave you with the following, which an acquaintance named Chris told me last night at the smoky pool hall:

“I'm not saying that my roommate's wrong for fucking all these fat chicks, I'm just saying that it's disgusting. That, and I'm tired of them bitches eating my food.”

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