I paid close attention to this Super Bowl because I had just finished power washing my apartment and it was so clean that I couldn't bring myself to leave. So, instead of going out with the boys and screaming at the television in a crowded house or bar where I can't hear myself think, I sat at home and screamed at the television by myself while enjoying the clinical scent of Pine Sol. Really, it was relaxing.

And because I know that y'all know that I won't let a Super Bowl go by without laying down my two cents like a pipe layer in a penny plant (I don't know what that means, either), I now offer you the few things that I noticed while watching the most watched game of the year. No need to thank me. This is what I do.

If, during the Super Bowl broadcast, you had taken a shot of whiskey every time the words “steady rain” were spoken by either one of the two announcers, you would be dead. I think that history will have to remember this game as “The Steady Rain Bowl.” I know I will.

Somewhere, someone bet that the first kickoff of the game would result in a touchdown. And I guarantee you that whoever made that bet has a pinky ring. I mean, there are no odds on something like that.

Not only did the pre-game special show video of a pre-teen Peyton Manning dancing the Tango, but Archie Manning, Peyton Manning and Cooper Manning were all interviewed regarding the Tango dancing of young Peyton. Which begs the question: what the fuck?

During the half time show, I cooked steak and asparagus, ate them, followed that up with a beer and a cigar and got back to the TV just in time to hear Phil Simms say something stupid. All in all, it was the best Super Bowl half time experience of my young life.

I have several friends who are Bears fans. During the game, they all sent me text messages. These messages ran the gamut from “What the hell is Grossman still doing in the game?” to “Grossman sucks.” I hope Rex has already packed up everything he may need from his Chicago home. That is not the town for him to be in, right now. Or, to borrow a phrase from my friend Steve, “If I were Rex, I'd take a long vacation. To hell.”

Somewhere, (former Colts running back) Edgerin James is sitting on a pile of money, wondering what his hand would look like with a Super Bowl ring on it.

I get the feeling that (Colts receiver) Marvin Harrison would rather not talk. To anyone. About anything. For any reason.

There's something symbolic about the weather for the Super Bowl. It was almost like Miami weather was hustling the fans. The weather was all like, “No, man. I'm cool. I'm good. I've been good all week. You don't have to worry about me. Why would I stop being good on game day? Seriously, tickets are only $1,000. You'll have a blast.” Suckers.

And finally, I want to thank coach Tony Dungy for continuing to display both logic and fluidity. When asked how he felt to be the first black head coach to win a Super Bowl he stated that he was more proud to be another Christian head coach to win a Super Bowl. Now that is class.

Or, as a friend of mine told me after the game, “I'm happy for Dungy. There's a real shortage of classy people winning stuff.”

Congratulations to all the Indianapolis Colts fans, players and personnel. (Like you give a fuck what I write.)


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