In case you missed it, Nate and me are blogging about the baseball playoffs. Here are our predictions for the series (plural). Is it serieses? Serieux? The fuck?
Nate's thoughts on Day one:
I'm sorry to say this, because I know it'll make you lose what lil' respect you may have for me, but I really like Derek Jeter. I'll back you on all the A-Rod shit. He's pissed me off since his Texas days when he had to be the highest paid player ever, but Jeter, I'd follow him into battle and I'd vote for him for President. I can't help it. He's like the Tom Brady of baseball. I know that analogy was hard for you, but it's true.
I now mute the television whenever they interview managers during the games. It's doctor's orders. I was getting ulcers.
How many days until the Frank Thomas HGH scandal? I say less than thirty.
The Tigers are so fucked.
The Padres are too (and I couldn't be happier).
I swear to Christ I bummed a cigarette off Jim Leyland in an airport smoking lounge in Omaha once.
How much does baseball mean to me? I got three calls from a girl between the third and sixth innings of the Cards' game, was about to call her back, then saw that Bill Simmons had done a running diary of all three games, read them and called her back. She didn't answer. Surprising, I know.
I figured out why steroids bother us so much in baseball and not in other sports. It's cause we want to believe that anyone can play baseball. It's a pure sport. we can say that basketball players are all black and tall, football players are all huge and drugged, hockey players all know how to skate and come from places where you can't find the sun without an astronomer, but we can always say that baseball will accommodate all physical types. No one wants to take that away. I mean, it's fun to root for David Eckstein and all the other small guys. They make us believe that this sport is more mental than all the others.
And yes, I'm drunk.
And now…Justin's thoughts on yesterday's (today's if you live in Iran) games.
Gotta go with you on Jeter. He's my favorite Yankee (which granted is like saying he's my favorite Nazi) but still. He's my pick for MVP, and everyone in New England is pulling the whole “He hits in a great lineup, blah blah blah.” The simple fact is, if you took Jeter off the Yankees this season and replaced him with a more talented, albeit bigger head case in Miguel Tejada, the Yankees would have been about as effective as a condom in a shard-glass pussy. If they broke up the Yankees tomorrow (and if there is a just and loving God this will happen), I'd be on my hands and knees praying the Sox snagged Jeter.
All right that's enough. I'm nauseous.
As for the other games…
You say Detroit is fucked, well Minnesota is FUCKED. I should have brought this up in my prediction, but Barry Zito is in a contract postseason. People forget this now, but Derek Lowe had a 5.42 ERA in 2004, then went on to sign a 4-year, $32 million contract with the Dodgers. So how did this happen? Well he had three series-clinching wins, including two brilliant performances at Yankee Stadium and then Old Busch so everyone forgot. The longer Zito plays, the more people forget that he's not worth spending $90 million on. (Remind me of this when the Sox sign him and I'm renaming my column “Schilling-Beckett-Zito! We can't lose!”)
Also in my Cards-Padres pick, I completely neglected the power of Pujols. I forgot he can alter whole series' by himself. It's crazy. It's like Peavy was thinking, “Christ, only seven more batters before Albert comes up again, I better get this guy out.” And that's how worthless schmucks like Ronnie Belliard have big games.
Speaking of Pujols, I realize this will be only the first of about 65,198 times we pick on announcers but they need to stop beating the same stories into the ground. We know Pujols is good, we don't need Chris Berman and Orel Hershiser talking about him when the Padres have the bases loaded and Larussa's in the dugout with his coloring book trying to find a way to use four pitchers to get one out. It's not the fault of the announcers, they're national guys. So here's my suggestion. In this era of digital cable, how about giving fans the option to listen to their home announcers.
Like if the Sox were playing the Yanks, I could choose between Orsillo-Remy and that faggot who says “See ya!” everytime Andy Phillips hits a solo shot in a 10-2 game. If you polled a million baseball fans whether they'd like that or Buck-McCarver, 999,998 would say they'd take the first one and the other two would be Buck and McCarver.
How about A-Rod hopping out of the dugout after Jeter hit that homer making him 5-for-5. He leaped out, made sure everyone could see him and pumped his fist. What do you think are A-Rod's wingman capabilities? I bet he does well with the girl for awhile, then just when he's about to go home says something weird like “I own Sex and the City on DVD!” and finds himself alone with a mojito cheering on his buddy. I love A-Rod. I'm so happy he's in my life.
I'll answer your questions tomorrow, Nate. I'm a little tired and I've been waiting on the phone to see if the Mets call and ask me to start Game 1.