Welcome back to The Investor's Coroner, your weekly attempt to make both sense and fun of the current global markets and inform you of the happenings in the international marketplace while simultaneously inserting jokes like a scalpel through Pam Anderson's breasts.

It is a goal of The Investor's Coroner to help you understand just what's going on in this here economy. Or, barring that, maybe you'll learn what happens to a dream deferred (hint: it dries up).

Recession no Reason to Stop Inflation
Thursday marked Day One of the Federal Government Money Give Away! That's right, if you are a bank, lending house, clearing house, securities firm, brokerage house or any other kind of alleged money-making institution, the government loves you more than bombing brown people and has already auctioned off 18 billion dollars of treasury bills in exchange for worthless mortgage backed securities. And this is, as I may have mentioned, only day one of the giveaway extravaganza. The government has 27 more days of dollar-weakening spending to go!

Woo to the hoo, freak out with your bad self, flip the dance craze, let the party begin. It's time to bail out stupid investment companies who made stupid decisions to bundle bad loans into securities and then sell them. This is why I love America. Land of the brave, home of the free bailouts to credit institutions. What a country!

Breaking up is Hard When Sued
Motorola decided to spin off its shitty handset (Wall Street word for phone) business and restructure into two companies because some billionaire shareholder named Carl Icahn threatened to sue them for business mismanagement. On a related note, Carl Icahn wants your fucking sandwich right now. Seriously, don't even think about biting that. Icahn will fuck you up. That's right. Put the sandwich down, bitch.

Just like I thought.

Bear Stearns Begs for More Money Like a Measly Panhandler
Bear Stearns, one of the companies that screwed up its job of obtaining and maintaining money, has received an increased offer from JP Morgan, which bought forty percent of the company and raised its offering price to ten dollars a share (from two dollars a share), which still pissed off everyone who bought it at seventy. But whatever. Times are tough all over. Oh, and more of a billion of the money JP Morgan has thrown at Bear Stearns was gifted from the Fed, with more to come. America: land of the subsidy. God I love this country.

Yahoo is Seriously Getting Bitchy
Poor Yahoo. First, Microsoft gets all lovey dovey, moves too fast and too cheap, and then hurts Yahoo's feelings, then Yahoo has to go and estimate its future as being way brighter than it could possibly be all so Yahoo wouldn‘t lose all the friends that think that Microsoft and Yahoo were made for each other, and then, while all that is going down, they finally realize that their friend Google's been out to get them the whole time. So Yahoo did what any little bitch does when they think that their friend is out to get them, they talk shit.

That's right, Yahoo has released the first ever search engine attack ads on radio and television. Yahoo is trying to say that it's way better than Google ever wishes it could be which is why Microsoft loves Yahoo and not Google. At the end of the day though, it's all just a plea for affection. Yahoo really and truly just wants to be loved.

Clear Channel Sues, Is Afraid to Love
Clear Channel, a mega, super-owner of radio stations that banked on a stupid rule (formed during the Clinton administration) which lifted limits on how much radio share a company can own and thus limited free speech, has been trying to go from public to private. The banks funding the private sale tried to back out because, as I may have mentioned, times are tough all over. Anyway, there was a lawsuit and Clear Channel won, which means that a company that owns much of what we hear (and thus much of what we think) will soon be free from conveying its earnings and business practices to the SEC, which was better than nothing. Fortunately, the FCC is still around to protect free speech.

Wow, I almost choked on laughter while trying to type that last sentence. Let's just move on.

CitiGroup is Stupid, Afraid of Me
In one month, CitiGroup has gone from being worth $24 a share to being worth $11 a share. In addition to laying off more than forty thousand people in the last four months, CitiGroup also fired me five years ago for sending out a dirty email making fun of the company. On that day, they were trading around $25 a share, which goes to show you what can happen if you fire me then purchase a bunch of mortgage backed securities. Suckers.

I'm in Murders and Executions
Sirius and XM, the only two satellite radio companies on God's green earth, are one step closer to completing a merger that should have happened years ago. I mean, these two companies were dumb enough to think of each other as competition when the real competition was terrestrial radio. Anyhow, this is badass news for anyone who ever wanted all that both radio stations ever had to offer? oh, assuming said anyone has an extra $200 lying around.

You see, because XM and Sirius are/were competing companies, their radios won't work with each other's stations, so new radios will need to be released and will probably cost around $200 a pop. There are other plans related to how to handle this but they limit use and are really boring and complicated so I'd just as soon spend the $200 than type about the alternatives to doing so.

Nothing, and I do mean nothing, motivates us to consume like our own laziness does.

Ironic, huh?

New Innovations Still not Huge Breasts
Soon you'll be able to store encrypted digital versions of your important documents online, just like you've been wanting to all along, you total geek. Wells Fargo should be the first bank to offer online safety deposit boxes. They should cost between $5 and $15 a month and you should smack yourself in the face if you feel you need one.

Tokyo is launching a program whereby so-called “manner cops” will be patrolling the trains and protecting people from loud cell phone talkers, boom boxes, and assholes who don't give up their seats to the elderly. I don't know how well this will work since I know shit about Tokyo but I really, really want to see someone try this in New York or Chicago. Manner cops? Fuck, we can't even get our American cops to display manners. Clearly, Japan is weird.

Your Motivational Investment Quote of the Week
It is better to play than to do nothing.