Have you ever tried to accurately categorize all of the people you might potentially meet on a college campus using some sort of clearly cliche rubric? If you have, you've probably got at least a front page article on PIC, if not a whole Facebook Group that consists of you, 3 friends, and 14 declines from girls you invited so that they would think you were funny and toss you some sympathy cuddling.

On a possibly related note, here's a summary of the animal kingdom of college campuses.

Squirrel: Squirrels are basically rats with bushy tails and better P.R. Likewise, everybody has that one friend who just has one redeeming quality that helps you overlook the fact that he forages through dumpsters and spreads disease.

Hasn't left his room in a month but can quote entire Family Guy episodes (with voices?) Squirrel. Hasn't showered all semester, but is willing to drive out of his way to buy alcohol for your Viagra and Sweatpants party?* Squirrel. If that unattractive girl on your hall who still considers fish a vegetable has a nickname like The Human Slurpee, then she's probably a Squirrel.

Kitten: Now, I've seen kittens. They're pretty fucking useless, except for one thing. They are very, very cute. That's it. Watch a kitten for a day, and you will find that it adds absolutely nothing of value to anyone, anywhere. The comparison here is obvious. The most readily apparent case is that girl in your stats class who always get whatever help she needs just by batting her eyes.

Fittingly enough, she's also the most likely to be attracted by dangling a piece of string.

Deer: Ah, the deer. It seems like an elusive and beautiful creature, that girl you saw once, fleetingly in the dining hall before she left to go to a salt lick (well, she WAS licking, and it WAS salty). She, like the beautiful bobtail, seemed so majestic and grand until you realize how fucking stupid it actually is. For both, it's usually as you're trying to scrape them off of your windshield.

A dead giveaway is a name like Bambi.

Turkey: Mitch Hedberg said it best : “If you're ever in the meat section, you'll start to get a little annoyed at turkey. Turkey bacon, turkey sausage, turkey burgers — I wish somebody would tell turkey, “man, just be yourself.”

Likewise, there are inevitable some people on your campus who you see trying to do everything.
Football game? They're there with their chest painted. Town Hall meeting? They've got a clipboard. Halo Tournament? They're there, and they've got their “v1rg1n5 4 LIFE “tee on. I'm all for experimenting (ladies) but calm the fuck down already.

Lion: Now, lions get a lot of good press for being courageous and deadly, but the fact is that they often pick off the weak and sick, spend most of their time lazing around, hunt in packs, and make their females do all the work.

Do you know anybody in a frat?

Monkey: My roommate used to fling feces at me.

*On a side note, I've tried to pitch this party to my friends many times, and none of them are up to it. Seriously, is it really that hard? I think this kind of party will really stick out in their minds.

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