The Declaration of Independence is perfect for those of you breaking up with your hook-up that should have never been. Change a few words and presto! Your disgraceful significant other gets the picture. However, if you change the entire premise of the document entirely, add two insomniacs, and subtract good judgment, you get two pieces worthy of adoration. But enough about the writing staff. For those of you taking that hook-up to the next level or just wanting to change your status, fellow writer E. Mike Tuckerson and I salute you and hope you come to your senses with the first (that I know of) Declaration of Co-Dependence. E. Mike will be providing the male perspective on the indictments that leads to such stupidity while I some how put a feminine touch on the subject. (I would highly suggest reading E. Mike’s column here first.)
Introduction: When in the course of sloppy hook-ups or dinner dates from Hell, it becomes well known that two parties are too lazy to look elsewhere to fulfill certain needs (be they emotional, mental, or physical), social implications hold that the two parties must declare reasons and partnership or be called a couple anyways.
Preamble: We hold these reasons to be evident to few because life ain’t fair. The relationship should be a mutual pursuit of the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything, but it might become destructive and in need of alterations or annihilation. It is their right and duty to handle such situations and create a better union for all.
Indictments: Such has been the lack of suffering and overall improvement in moods on my side at least, and such is now appropriate to change relationship status on various social networking sites and leave blatant away messages tailored to the status change. The history of the present Hook-up is a history of repeated performances that mainly ended on a good note. To prove my point, let the Facts be submitted to the countless inquiries of faceless persons.
· He has acknowledged the Law of “Girls Rule and Boys Drool,” the most wholesome and necessary for the good of the public at large.
· He understands the importance of cuddling without having to admit to the Man tribe that he likes it too.
· He has refused the advances of other girls, unless those girls are willing to fight to death in which case they can have him.
· He understands that I would probably lose in a fight to the death unless he snuck me a weapon, preferably a bazooka.
· He values me for my mind or is at least willing to tell that to my parents.
· He keeps his drunken friends at a safe distance, so as to keep my flesh from becoming a groper’s wonderland. He keeps his charming friends at a safe distance, so as to fool me into thinking that I got the best one.
· He understands it is okay to go shopping with me as long as I try on all the skimpy outfits he picks out.
· He restricts his presence and masculinity during that time of the month and acknowledges that then is a really bad time period.
· For knowing that I will not watch another Three Stooges movie no matter what TV show or romantic comedy he dangles in front of me.
· For appreciating the effort I put into becoming involved with brackets and fantasy teams despite the lack of actual understanding of what I should be doing with said brackets and teams.
· For understanding that every college sporting event we watch will eventually come back to bite him in the ass… because he can’t have the controller all the time.
· For understanding that if I ask “what are you thinking?” I want the truth. (We both know that with me in this dress, you aren’t thinking about “nothing,” Bub.)
· For recognizing that anything he does in the bedroom will be dissected and discussed with close friends over Danishes.
· For recognizing the truth of all woman-kind: “if we are kept pleased, you will be kept pleased as well.”
Therefore, it is for the benefit of the people involved to bite the bullet, dive into the world of relationships head first, and pray to a golden calf that the pool you are jumping into is not shallow enough to bust your head.
I welcome you dear readers to add your own and share your ideas on the subject at hand. Remember Ladies, that by declaring co-dependence you are declaring all other contracts with any other sperm factory null and void. Failure to comply may result in the loss of all current contracts. This failure will be marked on your permanent dating record.
Labels: dating, pointless advice, the declaration of co-dependence