Dear Professor,

Hi. If you're reading this, you're attempting to grade Quiz 5 of Nick Gaudio, the kid at the back of the class who makes very bad jokes. You may be wondering why I'm not answering your questions, and instead have decided to write you this brief letter. Well, to be completely honest, the reason why I'm not answering your questions is simple: I didn't read the material last night.

I know, I know…I'm stupid. I'm worthless. I really ought to be shot. But before you give me my final cigarette and blindfold me … sort of the reverse of the way it's supposed to go if you catch my drift 😉 …Please allow me to explain why this is.

For one, I was really, really drunk last night. I had no particular reason to get so drunk…but then, I'm in college and motives are pretty much a ridiculous formality when it comes to drinking.

Moreover, when I drink, I don't give what some people call “a flying fuck at a rolling donut” about anything. In this case, I didn't give “a flying fuck at a rolling donut” about Charles Dickens and either of the cities in question.

Speaking of “fuck,” I also get fairly horny when I drink. As I got drunk with only a bunch of dudes, I decided to call up some of my old girlfriends to see if they'd come by for some action. This never panned out. So, (drunk, mind you) I prowled the internet for porn for about 4 hours until sunrise.

I really didn't get any sleep and my ability to even stay awake to write this letter should impress you.

In closing, perhaps you should have quized us on the movie?

Yours truly,
Nick Gaudio

Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founder of TheOnion.com, created Comedy Business School to teach you how the industry works and how to succeed in it.