I have developed a system to determine if you are having a genuinely bad day; a system to isolate the darkest grays to charcoal blacks.
An app so royal it makes you feel like you're wearing nothing but a gold crown and a robe while hate fucking William the Conqueror in Piccadilly Circus and drinking a cup of Earl Grey.
As I sit Indian style on my bedroom floor, I fidget with the plastic dome covering the store-bought red velvet cake in my lap. It's a strangely familiar delicate process.
In an effort to better utilize my time, I'm answering questions I've received via email, Facebook and Twitter in the public forum. Including follow-ups to Lady Gaga and my biological father.
'We are playing a game. We want us GIRLS to do something special in Facebook to help gain consciousness of Breast Cancer. Its so easy that I'd like you to join us to make it spread!'
Hey, sorry I was a dick when you just wanted some positive feedback. You were candid with me and I didn’t reciprocate. I'm no expert, but here are a few things you should know about stand-up.
I would like to take this time to apologize for a few things I didn't, at the time, realize were in bad taste during my interview for the In-Home Caretaker position.
As a culture, we need a Lord who speaks English, has awesome outfits, and can dance. This is why I suggest we adopt Michael Jackson as our nationally mandated Lord and Savior.
If we gave laptops filled with economic policies to 10,000 incarcerated drug dealers and told them a few good ideas count as time served, we could restructure our economy in six weeks.
I am searching for a dry erase board because I have writer's block. Thru the flawless prism of logic I have constructed, the board will assist me in constructing hysterical yet thought-provoking narratives.
Jeff walks me around his car, his hands tucked in his pockets, examining the vehicle with a detached vigilance, searching for the source of his troubles. Clearly, it goes beyond the car itself.
When someone calls you and tells you their pet dies, it can be a more complex situation than if a person dies, at least in determining a proportional response.