Ways That I, a Non-Parent, Imagine I Will Someday Discipline My Children
With two kitchen chairs turned backwards facing one another, we’ll both sit down to hash things out.
Comedy Writing
To Determine If You’re the Right Fit for This Job, We’d Like You to Do This Job
We definitely have already done a full marketing strategy, but we want you to complete one too, so that we can compare yours to ours.
If These Walls Could Talk, They’d Be Pretty Annoying
If these walls could talk, they'd talk incessantly about themselves while never asking you any questions about yourself.
I’m the Best Detective in the World, So Why Do You Keep Second-Guessing Me?
What’s your motive for second-guessing me every second of every day? Every week, we go through the same rigamarole.
It’s the Third Act of Our Action Movie and the Perfect Time to Ride a Ferris Wheel
I assure you that there is no better place to be than in a rickety metal porch swing slowly ascending to the sky!
Guac: The Expense Tracking App for Buying More Guacamole
No more acting like you don’t want guacamole or pretending that if you get guacamole, it’ll make you too full.
It’s Okay CNN, My Streaming Service, Natework, Couldn’t Find an Audience Either!
My initial thought was to upload old home movies of my clarinet recitals and junior varsity soccer games.
A Critic Reviews New York City’s Film Performances
"Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan" provides New York City with little to do than look menacing and overly grimy.
Notes on Being a Fashion Icon
I instead opt for one of my many t-shirts that feature Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs smoking marijuana.
Political Correctness Has Made Being a Comedian Impossible, But Then Again, So Has Being a Chair
As a chair on stage, they’re not expecting me to go there. They’re also not expecting me to be the one making the jokes.
Old Friend, We Sure Have Made Something of Ourselves
You with your magnificent house you built yourself, two young healthy children, and a partner who loves you for who you are, and me with my podcast.
I’m Not a Monster, I’m a Method Actor
It was not I who called her “a useless swath of dogshit,” it was, in fact, Chicago crime lord Tony Ligitano.