Back from Spring Break and didn’t get any? Stuck at home on Christmas Break without a pink cushion? Pondering another weekend without poontang? You’re probably asking what is wrong with yourself. Well let me tell you what’s wrong—you’re being yourself. That’s right you heard me. You suck. You know why you suck? Because you’re not a badass like me. Here’s some tips on transforming yourself into the stud your mother always feared.

1. First things first. You’re name isn’t Todd, Paul or Doug. It’s now either Razor or Sexy Fuck. And you’re not taking psychology or business. You tell her you’re undeclared because you didn’t notice the department for Cool Motherfuckers when you first enrolled.

2. Look down at what you’re wearing. ‘Cause if you’re hot shit then you’d be wearing nothing but a leather jacket and joggers. Chicks dig the leather and joggers show you don’t give a fuck about anything.

3. Get a tattoo. And I’m not talking about some pussy tattoo like a dolphin or a banana. Get a fucking snake stabbing a blind chick. This shows you’re dangerous and live life on the edge.

4. Show her you’re not only a badass, but a badass with a sensitive side: tell her that late at night you think about angels ‘n shit.

5. At random times just lean over and whisper “I love you baby” in her ear. Then immediately lean over in her other ear and say “whatever.” I swear she’ll get wet right there.

6. If a girl asks: What do you do? Answer: I give hot fuckin’ foot massages.

7. Buy her a beer. Then when she gets it. Take it out of her hands and without saying anything slowly drink the whole thing at once while keeping eye contact with her the whole time. You just mentally raped her and she’ll go crazy.

8. Want to know by now if she’s into you? Light up a cig. Ask her if she wants one. If she accepts then take a long haul and slowly blow it in her face. If she’s diggin’ you she’ll actually try and smoke that shit.

Well there you have it boys. You can thank me later after you bang your lucky lady. Now if you don’t mind, my boyz just showed up. We’re going to go play some laser tag!!