By contributing writer J.B. Hour
I’ve been there, I’ve done that. Ah yes, college roommates. I’ve seen about everything when it comes to college roommates, and now I’m here to dispel one of the biggest rumors for you incoming freshman. I’ve had the greatest roommates in the world, and I’ve had the worst roommate you can imagine. I know some of you are reading this thinking, “Fuck you, you’ve never met my roommate!” Well, fuck you. You’ve never met my roommate.
The Myth: Never room with your best friend from high school, or you’ll end up hating each other.
For girls, that's a fact. But girls hate each other no matter what. However, it’s much better to end up hating a girl you just met that year than someone you were best friends with since you were 11. Girls never get along and I’ll tell you why: because they always want everything to be perfect. Most girls hate confrontation with their friends and will do anything to avoid it. Guys? They live for it. So what should you do? Room with your best friend? Or run the gambit and take your chances with random person? To get an idea of what it’s like to live with roommates, I’ll go over the same scenario with guys and girls.
Here’s how a typical conversation goes when four girls live in an apartment together.
Tiffany: Hey Liz, are you going to do these dishes? Liz: Ohh, yeah… I will, I just have to study for my polysci test, I’ll do them tomorrow. Is that okay?
Tiffany: Yeah, that’s fine.
Liz: Are you sure? I can do them now….
Tiffany: No no, I don’t mind if you do them tomorrow.
Liz: Ohh, yeah… I will, I just have to study for my polysci test, I’ll do them tomorrow. Is that okay?
Tiffany goes into the other room where Hillary just got off the phone with her boyfriend.
Hillary: Justin is coming over to stay the night with me. Is that okay?
Tiffany: Yeah, I love Justin… but anyway, Liz is being the biggest bitch in the world. I asked her if she would do the fucking dishes and she said she would do them tomorrow. That’s bullshit, I hate her, she never does shit around here.
Hillary: I know, she’s been the biggest bitch ever since that frat guy didn’t call her back after she went down on him last weekend. What a whore!
Tiffany: Yeah, fucking whore. I love talking to you Hill!
Hillary: Are you sure it’s okay if Justin stays over?
Tiffany: Yeah, I told you, Justin is great.
Tiffany goes outside to have a cigarette with her other roommate Jen.
Tiffany: Hey Jen. Hillary’s fucking boyfriend is coming over AGAIN. This will be the third time this week. I fucking hate him, he’s ALWAYS around, and he eats all of our food and he snores. I can’t believe she’s dating him. Didn’t he fuck that one girl we hate from freshman year? Anyway, don’t tell her I said that.
Jen: Yeah, I think he did. And don’t worry, I won’t tell her. Do I ever tell anybody the things you tell me?
Jen: Alright, I’m going inside.
Jen walks into the room where Hillary is.
Jen: Hey Hillary, umm… I don’t want to cause any problems or anything but, Tiffany doesn’t want Justin coming over. She doesn’t like him. Don’t tell her I told you that though.
This is a classic case of the Allied Forces attack: Girl #1 and 2 will team up against Girl #3. Then Girl #4 will have to team up with Girl #3 to even things out, but she’ll still kind of be neutral in it all anyway. Girl #4 will feel torn and hang out with Girl #3 mostly, but still interact with Girls #1 and 2. This goes on for weeks or months on end. Operation Desert Storm was shorter and less painful than a weekend at some girls’ apartment complexes I know.
You see, girls pretend like everything is okay, then they bitch and moan to their other roommates. Naturally, because they’re all insecure, that’s how they deal with it. In the end, they all end up hating each other.
Here’s how that same conversation would go with guys.
Mike: Hey Rob, are you going to just let these fucking dishes sit here, or is your pussy ass going to do them?
Rob: Fuck you Mike. I’m fucking playing NCAA right now… SHIT! See that, they scored a touchdown because your bitch ass won’t shut the fuck up.
Mike: How about you shut up, or I’ll come over there and punch you.
Rob: Why don’t you try and I’ll make you cry like you did last week when I ate that sandwich your mom sent back with you.
Mike: Fuck you!
Rob: Fine, I’ll do them as soon as I put a hurting on Alabama. Fuck Alabama, I hate them.
Mike: Yeah, fuck Alabama, they suck. Cool, I got next game.
Rob: Alright, then we’re going to that chick’s place for beer pong, that slut Tiffany said her roommate Liz is all obsessed with you ever since she slobbed your knob.
Mike: Sweet, I’ll probably get head again and not call her.
Rob and Mike high five.
And that’s why guys can live together, and not end up hating each other: because they work out the little things by being upfront and obnoxious. Sucker punches are for boxers and backstabbing is for Jason. Plus, NCAA is a pretty sweet game, so it brings guys together.
And if you’re wondering why the other two male roommates never got involved, it’s because they were busy getting head from Liz, too. Fucking whore.