It’s so great to have football back. My weeks felt empty without it. The roar of the crowd, the crack of the beer can, the crippling night terrors panicking about whether we have an adequate roster to make a playoff run this year.

Ah, pure bliss.

You just can’t beat it. Finally, these seven long months of happily spending time with my family, watching movies, and reading books have come to an end. Thank God my true passion has returned.

Along with the rash on my back and neck.

It’s not just a game. It’s a way of life. A terrible, excruciating, agonizing life. No other sport comes close. Tennis? Nope. No pounding migraines from tennis. Boxing? Nope. No stress-induced blindness from boxing. Golf? Nope. No bathtubs and toasters from golf.

Only football can make me feel this way.

Oh, how I’ve dreamed about being absolutely furious for the entirety of my Sunday. How I’ve dreamed of hearing my son cry out, “Why is daddy punching the wall again?” How I’ve dreamed of the throbbing pain down the side of my left arm as we concede our third touchdown of the first quarter.

Boy, what a rush.

Drink it in, fellas. Nothing compares to the smell of that freshly-cut grass as you crawl across the front lawn, begging your wife not to take the kids to her sister’s. The concerned looks on the neighbor’s faces as you weep openly in the middle of the street. The violent beeping of the smoke alarm as the nachos in the microwave causes the faulty wiring in your kitchen to catch fire and engulf the house.

This is what football is all about.

And let me tell you, this game is nothing without the people you share it with. Like Devin, the EMT letting me watch the third quarter on his iPhone in the back of the ambulance because I lost mine in the ashes of my former home. Sure, my hands kind of hurt because of the burns, but that’s okay.

Football is all the aloe vera I need.

Man, I’ve longed for this. Eighteen glorious weeks of full-throttle football action. It’s the antidote to everything. Except for the large amounts of carbon monoxide I inhaled, which I’ve been told doesn’t look good. The doctor said she could attempt surgery, but apparently the lungs are so deformed it would be “like flogging a dead horse.”

Yep, it sure is great to have football back.

The thing I love about this game is literally any team can win the Super Bowl. Even yours. Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten the name of my team due to the carbon monoxide poisoning making its way into my brain. I’m pretty sure it began with ‘B’. Buccaneers… Bills… Bobcats? Is that one? I’m sure I’ll be able to remember once they reduce the morphine.

God, I hate football.