Observations Like I Give a Damn

I'm sorry I flaked on my predictions for the Elite Eight. I have no excuse other than a busy weekend involving a birthday party, five baseball games and a lot of alcohol. They say that functional alcoholics are the kind who don't let their alcohol consumption affect their lives. I say that functional alcoholics are alcoholics who show up for work on time. Either way, I dropped the ball. I know you're depressed, but you'll get through it. And besides, we'll always have the World Series.

There is such a thing out there as crust-less pizza. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I learned something about myself this weekend. Apparently, a woman being beautiful and horny is not enough for me. If a woman is both soulless and brainless, I can't bring myself to sleep with her. Again.

I like to believe that every time a baseball announcer says something stupid, a starving child gets a meal. It is this kind of optimism that keeps me listening to the announcers. Well, it's optimism and the sheer joy that is the opportunity to make fun of them. Kind of a combination thing, I guess.

An umpire I work with ratted me out to the boss. He complained that I ate a hotdog on a field in a game I worked with him and prompted the following conversation between my boss and me:

Boss: You know I just got my first complaint about you.
Me: Really? Which coach?
Boss: Wasn't a coach. Was another umpire. Said you ate a hot dog on the field.
Me: And?
Boss: Mustard and relish, knowing you.
Me: Is this a problem?
Boss: For him it is.
Me: What about for me and you?
Boss: I prefer ketchup. But I'm still willing to let it slide.

It's kinda nice being good at the things you do.

My Final Four predictions: Florida and Ohio State. Reasons you should care: none. I'm horrible at this. I honestly don't even know why I do it. I mean, clearly it's madness. Just total madness (wow, that was very not funny?sorry you had to be a part of it).

And finally, because logic and fluidity are drinking rum runners with the Artist Formerly Known as Kathy Ireland, I leave you with the following, which I saw on an actual road sign:

"Left lane does not turn left."

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Whatever happened to that snippet/other shit book?

the dude's right, where is that damn book? I havent gotten child support from you in 5 months

Self publishing is too expensive. And no one has picked it up yet. I'm working on it. It'll be out soon. I promise.

That is so not how one makes crustless pizza. If I ever see in real life, I'll make you a real crustless pizza to correct this horrible mistake.

i know this doesnt have anything to do with your most recent blog entry or really any other one, but you should talk about how much of a beast jamarcus russell is. it would be nice to hear someone other than a sports writer discuss him

Good choice on the final four......don't really know why I do it either.....but good choice

Dude - that should be a whole new catagory, instead of saying someone is on fire you could say they entered "beast mode"

What is the world coming to when you can't eat a hot dog at a baseball game? Hell, I wouldn't mind if the pitcher wolfed one down in the middle of a play, as long as he backed up the correct base.

Beautiful and horny not enough? Nate...I hate to break it to you, but you appear to be growing up. Good luck with complaining about whippersnappers or comparing Rascal-brand scooters, or whatever it is you fogies do.

beautiful,horny,soulless and brainless. That do it for you?

Does for me! God I miss spring break in Tampa.