"Dying's not so bad. It's just nature's way of telling you that you're not alive anymore."
-Bull Shannon Read More »

« Back to Girls are Like Food, Part 1: Appetizers

It's a well-known fact that women can easily be compared to food.  That's why I'm writing another column comparing women to food.  I like my column topics like I like my women: easy and simple.  Come to think of it, I like everything in my life easy and simple, with the possible exception of crossword puzzles.  Easy crossword puzzles are a waste of ink.  If I'm not wracking my brain trying to figure out an eight letter word for a region of Europe I was previously ignorant of, the crossword creator dude has failed. Read More »

In the grand tradition of being a crappy hack of a writer, I offer you, dear readers and lovers of fine wine and spirits, the following chunk of the obvious: male friendships are different than female friendships. I don't know why this is, but it's true. Now, it's story time children. Pull up a chair. Read More »

"Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em."

-Jack Nicholson, Easy Rider, 1969 Read More »

I'm an asshole. And it's not for nothing. I'm an asshole because I'm a cynic and I'm a cynic because I always try to figure out why stuff happens and after I figure out why stuff happens I then try to figure out why other stuff related to that stuff happens. And on and on. Read More »

For years and years worth of meaningless relationships I have avoided saying the words, "I love you." Those three little words in that sequence seem to have so much meaning and so much impact on the heart, soul, and actions of the chicas upon whose breasts I ejaculate that I just figured the best thing to do was avoid the term altogether (the words, not the breasts) and/or only use i Read More »

Every now and again, I receive emails requesting romantic advice. I have written previously (and I've been on this site long enough to have written just about everything previously) that asking me for romantic advice is akin to asking a terrorist sniper how to shoot a gun. Read More »

"Anti-gun laws are like rich hot chicks: they simply do not work."
-John Farmer Read More »

The other day I was walking to the locker room at the private gymnasium to which I pay a monthly fee for services rendered and I got to thinking about Peter Piper and that old tongue twister: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

The goddamn thing is a lie. Read More »

Many scholars have never said that part of what makes this world such a cool and awesome and downright groovy place is the sheer number of meaningless and over-hyped post-season college matchups that clog the afternoon television schedules and provide us men folk with a legitimate reason why we cannot help with the cooking or cleaning because, for chrissakes, the San Diego County Credit Union P Read More »

Women need to be categorized.  They are screaming out to be categorized.  They're practically begging for some dashing, daring, charming, sexy, hunk of man to come along and tell them what he thinks of them and how they should think of themselves.  Fortunately for you guys, I am such a man.  Read More »

Julie:  She doesn't seem very smart. 
Nathan:  She isn't.
Julie:  She's rude, too. 
Nathan:  And presumptuous, and untrustworthy and drug addicted. 
Julie:  So why even bother?
Nathan:  You want me to answer that or you want us to remain friends? Read More »

Nathan: I can't believe how expensive fireworks are getting.  I remember when I could blow up all my sister's toys for like fifty bucks. 
Jake: Yeah, well you know the economy and--wait, what? Read More »

         --George Carlin

George Carlin taught me many things.  Every one of them is very important.  Here are some of the things he taught me and some of the reasons I will miss him. Read More »

Nathan: Are you gonna teach your boy how to play hockey?
Chip: Oh yeah. My son’s gonna play hockey and he’ll play the drums. I mean, what’s the use of having a boy if you can’t push all your failed dreams on him?
Read More »