« Back to Girls are Like Food, Part 2: The Main Course

Many months ago, I informed the bloody lot of you that women are like food.  I have a lot of bullocks, I do.  And though I may have affected a cockney accent for the purpose of this introductory paragraph, none of that changes the fact that I'm the bloke who's damn right number one the bee's knees at comparing women to edible articles.  It's not what I do best but it's one of many things I do better than everyone else.  What can I say?  I'm as humble as I am awesome.  Read More »

So you've decided to become an internet writer. That's great, man or woman. Really groovy great. I mean, if there's one thing I've learned about internet writers, it's that they write on the internet. Read More »

Valentine's Day can be a vexing holiday for spineless pansies who lack the balls to explain to their women that Hallmark will not dictate when they get gifts. Now, I have never given a girl anything on Valentine's Day. Not once. In fact, one Valentine's Day I actually mistakenly threw away a girl's shirt. That's right, I actually took something from a chick on Valentine's Day. Read More »

If you've been reading my column over the years, you've learned some important things about women: how slutty they can be, how to compare them to food, the fact that they really do fall for assholes, and why I get laid by them. But I've never written about how to be a good boyfriend. Read More »

There aren't many causes I get behind.  I mean, I believe in stuff: the gold standard, open bars, those sexy stockings that only go halfway up the female thigh and make attractive girls look like they recently walked out of one of my favorite RedTube videos.  And, though it is a rare occurrence, sometimes I even stand up and fight for a cause or two.  Read More »

"Dying's not so bad. It's just nature's way of telling you that you're not alive anymore."
-Bull Shannon Read More »

« Back to Girls are Like Food, Part 1: Appetizers

It's a well-known fact that women can easily be compared to food.  That's why I'm writing another column comparing women to food.  I like my column topics like I like my women: easy and simple.  Come to think of it, I like everything in my life easy and simple, with the possible exception of crossword puzzles.  Easy crossword puzzles are a waste of ink.  If I'm not wracking my brain trying to figure out an eight letter word for a region of Europe I was previously ignorant of, the crossword creator dude has failed. Read More »

In the grand tradition of being a crappy hack of a writer, I offer you, dear readers and lovers of fine wine and spirits, the following chunk of the obvious: male friendships are different than female friendships. I don't know why this is, but it's true. Now, it's story time children. Pull up a chair. Read More »

"Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em."

-Jack Nicholson, Easy Rider, 1969 Read More »

I'm an asshole. And it's not for nothing. I'm an asshole because I'm a cynic and I'm a cynic because I always try to figure out why stuff happens and after I figure out why stuff happens I then try to figure out why other stuff related to that stuff happens. And on and on. Read More »

For years and years worth of meaningless relationships I have avoided saying the words, "I love you." Those three little words in that sequence seem to have so much meaning and so much impact on the heart, soul, and actions of the chicas upon whose breasts I ejaculate that I just figured the best thing to do was avoid the term altogether (the words, not the breasts) and/or only use i Read More »

Every now and again, I receive emails requesting romantic advice. I have written previously (and I've been on this site long enough to have written just about everything previously) that asking me for romantic advice is akin to asking a terrorist sniper how to shoot a gun. Read More »

"Anti-gun laws are like rich hot chicks: they simply do not work."
-John Farmer Read More »

The other day I was walking to the locker room at the private gymnasium to which I pay a monthly fee for services rendered and I got to thinking about Peter Piper and that old tongue twister: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

The goddamn thing is a lie. Read More »

Many scholars have never said that part of what makes this world such a cool and awesome and downright groovy place is the sheer number of meaningless and over-hyped post-season college matchups that clog the afternoon television schedules and provide us men folk with a legitimate reason why we cannot help with the cooking or cleaning because, for chrissakes, the San Diego County Credit Union P Read More »