I believe in a few things. Not many, but a few. I never fail to do a favor for a friend so long as the favor is legal and within my means. Read More »

Alright. Everything is alright. I mean, you can cheer up because it's much worse than you know, but relatively speaking, everything is alright. This column is meant to speak to the Baby Boomers. But naturally, like the last one, it's for everybody. Read More »

For the conception of this column, the author would like to thank Points in Case's own Ashley Garmany, with whom he would much like to have sex.

Okay. Everything is okay. I promise. I mean, it's much worse than you probably think, but really and truly, it's okay. Read More »

A few days ago, I was really sick and had to miss work so I did what anyone who works in finance does when they feel bad for missing work: I listened to monetary grand master pimp Ben Bernanke address congress. Read More »

A while back I wrote a column about the possibility that something like fifty percent of all the mortgages in the entire country might be illegal. Well, a judge in New York decided to agree with me. This is important. Or rather, it would be if anyone believed anything was real anymore. Read More »

There was once a really horrible movie about a super-old retired comic trying to make a comeback. It was a horrible movie and I'm glad I didn't pay to watch it. But there was a great line in that flick: "It's a comic's job, when he sees bullshit, to call bullshit."

I consider myself a comic.

And this world is mainly bullshit. Read More »

There are a lot of riots going on in the world today. Unfortunately, none of them are happening here. I like my riots like I like my women: close and drunk. But still, a good riot is a good riot, even if it has to take place in Egypt. Read More »

Sarah Palin murdered a 9-year-old girl in Arizona the other day. It's true. I read it on CNN. The 9-year-old girl was born on September 11th, 2001, which was a day that will live in infamy and which we will not forget. Read More »

Not satisfied with what it has done to destroy the American economy, the US government passed a few laws that put new regulatory bodies in place. This would be totally awesome if the old regulatory bodies, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, weren't the enablers of the largest fiscal crisis since my grandpa was in grade school. Read More »

I love Christmas. It's not my favorite holiday (that's the Super Bowl) but it is pretty high up there. Read More »

Richard Cohen is an old asshole, a representative of old media and the reason my blood pressure spiked this morning. His words are in bold. Mine are pissed off. Read More »

In this world of rampant divorce, cost reductions in plastic surgery and Botox, and improvements in the effectiveness of both diet and exercise, it is becoming more and more likely that whoever may be reading this column has fucked a MILF. Read More »

The awful and disgusting folks at the Federal Reserve recently celebrated what they consider to be the 100th birthday of the Federal Reserve, which was voted into law on Christmas Eve, 1913 (there's nothing suspicious at all about a major piece of wealth-transferring legislation passing while most of congress and the senate are on Christmas break—nothing at all, thank you very much). Read More »

Women are inherent liars. Unlike men, they do not lie about things that matter (like how much they bench press and how much they can drink in one sitting). No, women lie to hide their true intentions. They lie to hide what sluts they are. You see, there's a language that sluts use to let the typical depraved male know exactly when they are down to fuck. Read More »

Hi kids. Remember me? I'm the really boring old guy who sleeps with 18-year-old girls solely to hear them tell him how young he looks. I'm really boring and I have to read about financial markets a lot (as opposed to grocery markets which actually are financial markets and hoo boy do I feel a digression coming on; I'll just quit while I'm... I'm stopping now). Read More »