Women need to be categorized.  They are screaming out to be categorized.  They're practically begging for some dashing, daring, charming, sexy, hunk of man to come along and tell them what he thinks of them and how they should think of themselves.  Fortunately for you guys, I am such a man.  Read More »

Julie:  She doesn't seem very smart. 
Nathan:  She isn't.
Julie:  She's rude, too. 
Nathan:  And presumptuous, and untrustworthy and drug addicted. 
Julie:  So why even bother?
Nathan:  You want me to answer that or you want us to remain friends? Read More »

Nathan: I can't believe how expensive fireworks are getting.  I remember when I could blow up all my sister's toys for like fifty bucks. 
Jake: Yeah, well you know the economy and--wait, what? Read More »

         --George Carlin

George Carlin taught me many things.  Every one of them is very important.  Here are some of the things he taught me and some of the reasons I will miss him. Read More »

Nathan: Are you gonna teach your boy how to play hockey?
Chip: Oh yeah. My son’s gonna play hockey and he’ll play the drums. I mean, what’s the use of having a boy if you can’t push all your failed dreams on him?
Read More »

Nathan: I have to write an article on cunnilingus.
Beth: Of course you do.
Nathan: The people have spoken.
Beth: When are you gonna grow up? Read More »

Jay: So wait. You reject your own column ideas?

Nathan: Pretty much. It's like, you come up with an idea, you think it sucks and you don't do it.

Jay: But you still remember the ideas.

Nathan: So?

Jay: So why keep them around if they suck? Read More »

Dave:  This economy is horrid.

Nathan:  So's your face.

Dave:  You drink too much.

Nathan:  So's your face. 

Dave: Are you even listening to me?

Nathan:  So's your face.  Read More »

Nathan: Dan, you live in Land O' Lakes, right?
Dan: Eight years.
Nathan: Ever been to the Flapjack Festival?
Dan: Nope.
Nathan: Ever heard of the Flapjack Festival?
Dan: Nope.
Nathan: Want to hear about the Flapjack Festival? Read More »

Sean: How's life treating you?
Nathan: Like I burned its entire album collection.
Sean: Wow. That's probably a big collection. Read More »

"Anytime I hear the word ‘blogosphere,’ I immediately change the channel/close the window/stop the video, etc."
-William Courtney Sullivan Read More »

Nathan: I think I’m gonna write a eulogy.
Jake: Who died?
Nathan: Lots of people.
Jake: Uhh, okay. Have fun with that. Read More »

Jake: Dude, that girl is crazy.
Nathan: Like, "slash your tires after the breakup" crazy or "pray after sex" crazy?
Jake: The first one.
Nathan: That ain't so bad. Read More »