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This Column Won't Open, Try F5 to Refresh
This Column Won't Open, Try F5 to Refresh
>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
April 25, 2005
|
My computer is a steaming pile of shit.
Seriously, it's like $1200 for a box, only the box is populated by a CPU, a few shiny things, and a drunken gerbil...and the drunken gerbil runs the show.
My computer has caused me an inordinate amount of heartache over the years, and I'm including girls, the South, the last half hour of "A Walk to Remember," and the current state of the
NHL combined. It's awful.
How does it piss me off? Let me count the ways:
1. The sound card sucks. If I run too many programs, the sound will actually start skipping. So when I'm listening to "Mr. Lonely" (destined to sweep the Grammys),
I have to put up with "lllllonnnannananellyy I'm ssssssoooosssoooo lllllllonnnnannanananely." It's like a fucking DJ Clue mix.
2. All that wireless shite. My computer has wireless everything: mouse, keyboard, Internet...it's extraordinary. And it sounds cool. Good for all those times when
I'm taking a dump and want to check my fantasy baseball standings from sixty feet away. But I've discovered the dirty little secret of wireless. "Wireless" is Latin for "Might work, might not."
That's right, kids, wireless is to consistent as inconsistent is to consistent.
3. Speaking of shit wireless (I seriously want to beat down that freaky Best Buy dummy), the wireless router that goes with my Internet is the technological
equivalent of an all-walrus gymnastics team. The MacGyver stoner from "Half Baked" could devise a better router with a can of baked beans and a condom. "Now go, I've made
bongs with less!" Seriously, I've had people take me off their buddy list because they are sick of me constantly being signed on and off AIM. It's unfair. My Internet is
costing me friendships, and that's not even including the people I drunk-IM with "Want to do it doggy style, baby?" Sorry, Frank. Please put me back on your buddy
list.
4. Random websites won't open. I love that shit. I'm trying to access tubgirl.com so I have something to
entertain me during dinner, and all I get is that "Cannot reach server" nonsense, or H404, which is computer code for "You wasted $1200!" Speaking of "Cannot reach
server," I love the troubleshooting tips they give you.
Step 1. Try clicking refresh.
Step 2. That didn't work? Well, you're shit out of luck.
5. The freezing. It's bad enough I've been in Boston all winter where temperatures regularly dip to 4 degrees, and in the wind chill you're walking around with
thoughts like, "If I skin a fat dude, I could be comfortable. I'll do it like Injuns!" But my computer freezes too, only it's idea of freezing is to plumb stop working.
Then, you try Ctrl-Alt-Delete, the Mariano Rivera of computer troubleshooting. But that doesn't even work, so you very calmly take a brick to the surge protector. Just
like the guy at Best Buy said.
6. The random bugs. Actually, this is interesting. My Winamp currently has this weird bug where it randomly picks a song upon startup, but here's the crazy thing:
it always picks a great song, and I have like 1400 songs (suck it, RIAA). So, in essence, my computer has the same musical taste I do. I guess it's not so bad. Who wants to hear some Akon?
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11 Comments
Drunken Gerbils? Nice touch. Comedic use of animals always gets a laugh.
dude, get a mac and all your computer troubles are solved
Maybe it's all the porn you've loaded on your computer.. could be causing problems.
You are complaining about how cold Boston is--- just come to the South Justin. You know you secretly yearn for it.
When Justin starts yearning for the south, if he doesn't kill himself as soon as he realises, I will.
"Mariano Rivera of computer troubleshooting"
Damn it. over my head again.
Porn has never, never, done anything wrong to anyone. Ever.
Just an FYI that may help you out. I'm a network admin for (and student at) one of the major universities in DC. I was using Linksys routers for about 3 years, until I realized that they had a tendancy to crap out on me in yearly intervals and their products never got better. Switched routers and the problem went away. Of course, the wireless aspect could be the problem as well. However, I've come to realize that Linksys makes products with the same amount of longevity as their tech support has been speaking English.
Sounds like someone has a virus!!! You think those are "free" porn sites? They are a hotbed for viruses, same with probably all the music you have downloaded, depending in the program you use for music downloads, you could be opening up backdoor, haha I said backdoor, programs which lets in viruses and the such like Michael Jackson lets in minors to the Ranch! I feel for ya, I been there, and that was with my work computer, talk about pissed off! Funny article, cause it's all happen one or all of us at some point!
my friend made me go to tubgirl, which i thought would be a normal site. it's freaking disgusting. gosh. how can you even say you enjoy going there?even if you [arre] being sarcastic.
You don't like tubgirl.com???........ Where do you go when you want to whack off?
stephen is right, macs are so much better.not as much maintenance and viruses don't stick on your computer like Michael Jackson sticks little boys. May be a little more expensive but definately worth it. Oh, and if you don't use firefox, do it now.