>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
April 25, 2005

My computer is a steaming pile of shit.

Seriously, it's like $1200 for a box, only the box is populated by a CPU, a few shiny things, and a drunken gerbil…and the drunken gerbil runs the show.

My computer has caused me an inordinate amount of heartache over the years, and I'm including girls, the South, the last half hour of “A Walk to Remember,” and the current state of the NHL combined. It's awful.

How does it piss me off? Let me count the ways:

1. The sound card sucks. If I run too many programs, the sound will actually start skipping. So when I'm listening to “Mr. Lonely” (destined to sweep the Grammys), I have to put up with “lllllonnnannananellyy I'm ssssssoooosssoooo lllllllonnnnannanananely.” It's like a fucking DJ Clue mix.

2. All that wireless shite. My computer has wireless everything: mouse, keyboard, Internet…it's extraordinary. And it sounds cool. Good for all those times when I'm taking a dump and want to check my fantasy baseball standings from sixty feet away. But I've discovered the dirty little secret of wireless. “Wireless” is Latin for “Might work, might not.” That's right, kids, wireless is to consistent as inconsistent is to consistent.

3. Speaking of shit wireless (I seriously want to beat down that freaky Best Buy dummy), the wireless router that goes with my Internet is the technological equivalent of an all-walrus gymnastics team. The MacGyver stoner from “Half Baked” could devise a better router with a can of baked beans and a condom. “Now go, I've made bongs with less!” Seriously, I've had people take me off their buddy list because they are sick of me constantly being signed on and off AIM. It's unfair. My Internet is costing me friendships, and that's not even including the people I drunk-IM with “Want to do it doggy style, baby?” Sorry, Frank. Please put me back on your buddy list.

4. Random websites won't open. I love that shit. I'm trying to access tubgirl.com so I have something to entertain me during dinner, and all I get is that “Cannot reach server” nonsense, or H404, which is computer code for “You wasted $1200!” Speaking of “Cannot reach server,” I love the troubleshooting tips they give you.

Step 1. Try clicking refresh.

Step 2.
That didn't work? Well, you're shit out of luck.

5. The freezing. It's bad enough I've been in Boston all winter where temperatures regularly dip to 4 degrees, and in the wind chill you're walking around with thoughts like, “If I skin a fat dude, I could be comfortable. I'll do it like Injuns!” But my computer freezes too, only it's idea of freezing is to plumb stop working. Then, you try Ctrl-Alt-Delete, the Mariano Rivera of computer troubleshooting. But that doesn't even work, so you very calmly take a brick to the surge protector. Just like the guy at Best Buy said.

6. The random bugs. Actually, this is interesting. My Winamp currently has this weird bug where it randomly picks a song upon startup, but here's the crazy thing: it always picks a great song, and I have like 1400 songs (suck it, RIAA). So, in essence, my computer has the same musical taste I do. I guess it's not so bad. Who wants to hear some Akon?

See new PIC posts via Twitter, Facebook, or weekly newsletter.

Sign up for comedy writing or stand-up classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.