Life Guard tshirt

Today I awoke from a drunken comatose with a devilish hangover that will surely plague me for the next 48 hours. You guys are in luck though because I only write under these circumstances. If there really was a God, he would not have scheduled me to work 10-8 today on the hottest day of the fucking summer with temperatures comparable to the surface of Venus.

I'm a poolboy, a lifeguard, but more importantly a "pool operator," which means I don't take turns sitting in the chairs, or do anything really. I just fuck around on my cool iPhone 5 that my mother (who abandoned my family through an interracial affair with a big black man) gave me as her annual "I still love you, sort of" present.

If I did have to give a drowning patron mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, I would probably kill them from alcohol poisoning.Anyway, I'm just going to write about my day which is sure to be nothing but pure misery and comedy coupled into one fucked up shift where I blow my whistle obnoxiously loudly and make small children cry. All. Fucking. Day.

10:00 AM: I am the first motherfucker here at the pool and life is good. I've begun to think optimistically about how this day might turn out.

10:01 AM: God fucking dammit. Asians!!! Vote YES for Executive Order 57, to re-open Japanese internment camps.

11:00 AM: Hot MILF with gargantuan titties. No husband in sight. You better believe I have my sunglasses on and an erection raging. I'm going to go in the water for a while to hide my boner and lower the pH with my pre-cum.

12:00 PM: I am just now coming out of last night's blackout. I would definitely not pass a field sobriety test at this point. If I did have to give a drowning patron mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, I would probably kill them from alcohol poisoning.

1:00 PM: God fucking dammit. Kids are running on the pool deck as if they were storming Normandy Beach. I'm going to judo chop the shit out of the next kid who runs by, right in his throat.

Pool boy lifeguard

2:00 PM: Black woman complains that I reek of alcohol. I complain that she reeks of fried chicken and cocoa butter.

4:00 PM: All hell breaks loose. Kids are out of school, which means my job just got exponentially more stressful. Martin Luther King high school decided to take a field trip to our pool apparently. The shallow end looks like the Black Sea. I crank up the chlorinator to a dangerous level to counteract.

4:30 PM: One of the black kids fell into the well and is now passively drowning 12 feet below.

4:35 PM: I slowly take off my sunglasses, dip my foot into the water—damn it's cold—and slowly slink down the poolside ladder, submerging myself ever so delicately.

4:37 PM: It took me a while to pull him to safety because he was so slippery from being completely saturated in lotion.

5:00 PM: Every ounce of what's left of my moral fiber is being tested. A questionably young girl with unholy breasts enters the pool. God damn, this girl is going to have some serious back problems if she hasn't already been diagnosed with scoliosis.

5:15 PM: I wonder if she has whole or 2% milk.

5:45 PM: I just blew the whistle signaling adult swim. She immediately got out….damn. So she is under 16 years old, and I feel like a pervert.

7:00 PM: There is a very large woman drowning in the pool. A patron brings this to my attention and asks if I'm going to do anything or just sit there. I nonchalantly tell her that whales live underwater.

8:00 PM: Work is over and I'm going to go get belligerently drunk and find a mouth to plop my penis into.

Related

Resources