I might never have a golden statue erected in my honor, and I highly doubt my autobiography (You Can't Pay Retail for a Pocket Full of Dreams) will become a best-seller. But of all the narcissistic fantasies I have (and trust me, there are many) perhaps the most feasible is the desire to someday have theme music. Yeah. I want theme music. Read More »

I think my goddamn apartment is haunted. Actually, scratch that, I know it is. The TV randomly switches channels and turns off and on. A sinister knocking sound comes from the kitchen with no discernible source. Tiles pop out of the floor for no reason. And my girlfriend levitates about a foot above the bed at night, spitting up pea soup. Also, she's wearing a hotdog costume. Read More »

Sometimes I'll write a stupid joke in this column and a reader will accuse me of being racist. Actually, I've been defending that charge for years, not that my parents, opposing lawyers, and local migrant workers have been able to build a strong case. The truth is, all races are cool with me, but I reserve the right to find stereotypes funny in perpetuity. Read More »

I wouldn't exactly say I lead a life of danger. The scariest thing about my day is the possibility that my girlfriend might discover my secret porn stash. And even if she does, I can always buy more. I don't ride a motorcycle, I don't eat poisonous blowfish, and I don't juggle chainsaws. Danger's not my middle name, it's more like the cancerous tumor I don't have. Read More »

Most businesses have a sales department, and they tend to be populated by, shall we say, a certain type. This was true even before NBC's The Office started documenting the phenomenon in those dreary, post-Seinfeld years. I never thought I was that type, but now I find myself considering a sales career. Read More »

At every stage of his life, a guy has 4 words that he never wants to hear. They could be anything, like "I broke your Xbox," or "We'll have to amputate."  But if you happen to be on a date, particularly a first date, the four dreaded words are particularly horrifying. The only way they could be worse is if they were spelled out in giant letters by hissing spiders. Read More »

Well, summer has arrived, and that can mean only two things: the launch of PIC 2.0, bringing joy to the comedy-starved widows of Tajikistan, and the start of blockbuster movie season. Read More »

For many of you, graduation is just around the corner. Statistically speaking, this probably means you'll be bumming around Europe for a few weeks before accepting an entry-level job where you'll have to put in three years before they trust you with a stapler. It's a time of great change, which as you know, licks ferret scrotum. Read More »