I’ve been hearing a lot about internet porn lately. Now that most of my guy friends have their own hard drives and are no longer sharing desktops with mom, dad, and little Suzy, the truth is coming out whether they like it or not. The truth being that they rarely visit inappropriate websites. And by rarely, I mean twice a day; and by inappropriate websites, I mean suckmydaughtersdick.com.
Most guys are pretty open about these porno palaces that they frequent into the wee hours of the night—if they aren’t, a little peek into their Internet Explorer’s history will tell you a whole different story. A story of Jenna and Paris, midgets riding horses… naked, chicks with dicks, and more fetishes than you could count on all twenty fingers and toes combined.
This is a story that I thought only came out of Howard Stern’s mouth and in the bedroom of Samantha Jones… boy was I wrong. I feel like I’ve stepped into the secret realm that men between the ages of 15 and 30 (I’m being nice) have been dabbling in for years—a world I wasn’t prepared for, and can’t be sure I ever will be.
I never thought I would check out porn on the internet. For a while, I thought a good vibrator and an imagination were all a girl needed—wrong again. There are endless possibilities just a mouse click away. So, I’ve divided my thoughts into three categories: the good part of internet porn, the bad part of internet porn, and the fucked up part of internet porn. Let’s start off with…
The GOOD
This is the harmless stuff that keeps guys at bay. While it won’t stop desperate men from being desperate, it can be used as a good distraction to keep horny guys from humping your leg like the dog in Garden State. It is also easily accessible and easy to hide; refer to Justin’s Masturbation Manual for good advice on how to cover your tracks.
Internet porn can also be very helpful to your “real” sex life. If you and your boyfriend were looking for a way to spice things up, I beg you to consider taking a trip to a porn site. You’ll have twenty new ideas in no time. This being said, I would save the sex swing for those more advanced in their levels of experimenting. I’ve heard it can be painful to fall out of that thing.
The BAD
I must say, there are a lot of “bad” parts of internet porn in my opinion. To list a few of the more serious ones: first, you’ve got a bunch of shit involving children, which is just sick. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Law & Order, but the kiddie porn and children trafficking business doesn’t fly with me.
On a less serious note, some porn sites are just tacky. Watching Paris Hilton lie like a dead fish for half an hour isn’t going to give anyone anything but a lawsuit. There are also those god-awful pop-ups. Just when you think you’ve gotten rid of them all, that damn ad for a diamond-studded penis pump/dildo shows up again.
The FUCKED UP
Let’s see, where do I begin? Do I start off by mentioning that there are websites for people who actually enjoy eating their own shit? (And I thought golden showers were bad.) Or do I talk about the men with vaginas? I can’t go into detail about either one of these things because I couldn’t bring myself to click on the link. Trust me, they exist. They’re right alongside the horny grandmas, naughty nuns, and vicious virgins.
While anything in the fucked up department isn’t for me, or any of you I hope, I can now understand what drives college guys, among others, to their computers during various hours of the day and night. And I can now say with confidence, that my computer has definitely lost its virginity.