As I ate my delicious dinner of sesame chicken yesterday I received this phone call on my cell:

"Hi, this is Diane from the Barack Obama campaign. Blah blah blah. Can I ask who you're voting for?" Read More »

See all those red hairs?

Let's all watch Captain Planet

And smoke chron' in cars.

Do we know that chick?

She could stand to lose a few.

Not bad. I'd hit it.

Let us play beer pong,

And revel into the night! Read More »

Today I saw thousands of people downtown walking around. I asked one of them what they were all walking for and she said "lymphoma."

First of all, why do so many people want lymphoma? Read More »

Before we kick off the game picking this week, please note that I owe everyone an apology, even my partners in game-picking.  I had only missed one previous week of game-picking in my time here at PIC and that was because I was at a beach house with no internet access.  Last week I missed the picks (even though I had written them) because of... Read More »

I'm a scientist. And like all other scientists, I use the Scientific Method to form and test theories and hypotheses using experiments and data. Since I am a scientist, I have an endless thirst for knowledge. So over the course of about a day or two, I texted an african-american named Xavier Holland with some simple questions I thought up. Here they are. Read More »

Dad: You sure you're not working too much?
Me: I only worked 40 hours and went to 18 hours worth of class.
Dad: That's not too much?
Me: Just living the American Dream I guess. Read More »

This is not advocacy.

This is not a statement of theory, a treatise, or a call to action.

You either smoke pot, or you do not.

We are all free men protected by the Constitution, as Jax Teller said.

Make your own choices. Let others make their own, as well. Read More »

31. Not being imaginative enough: Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.

Ok, first of all, what kind of weirdo are you? Vegetables are ok, but no candle wax? Read More »

What's your pornstar/stripper name? You know, you take your first pet's name and the street you grew up on or your middle name and your mom's maiden name. Ex. I'm either Tex Highland or Joe McDonald, depending on how you do this game.

What's your daily "Big O" record? Solo? Delivered? Received? Read More »

A while ago, I was confronted with the stark reality of my life, and I knew I had to make some changes. It was my fault; I see that now. I had been sabotaging my future for months, with the deviousness of an arsonist out of Palm Springs. Read More »

16. Undressing prematurely: Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

I don't know what kind of weenies you date, but where I come from, an eyeful of my scrotum equals orgasm number one and it should happen as soon as possible. Read More »

As some of you might have figured out, I'm black. The more clever among you might have figured out that Paul Frank is, in fact white. Apparently, however, Paulie Nonuts is still processing this. In the form of sending me something like 20 text messages in the past couple days. Read More »

I read the New York Times today so you wouldn't have to. Their words are in bold. My uneducated opinions are not.

Fed Announces Plan to Buy Short-Term Debt Read More »

So when there is nothing to do in the fine suburbs of Cincinnati, we play dice in the alleys behind my friends house. My friend was blessed and born into a rich family, unlike the rest of us who were born into middle class. So the alley of choice was between his house and his neighbors, which was more of an alley than a driveway. So that's what we do. Read More »

1. Not kissing first: Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour, and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

Kissing is for eighth graders. Seriously, it's all they blabber about. Read More »