Whenever I carry a 12-pack or more of toilet paper out of the store, I feel like everybody thinks I have diarrhea. Or that something else is really wrong with my butt. It wouldn't be so bad if those big multi-packs could actually fit in a plastic bag. But they can't. You always have to carry them free-hand. Like a case of beer. Imagine if you will, women, that you had to carry around a big box of tampons under your arm because they couldn't fit in a bag. Then everyone knows you're on your period and how heavy your flow is. That's how I feel about toilet paper and my ass.
Do you ever feel like the self-checkout line turns into a competition to see who can checkout the fastest? Everyone stands there rolling their eyes at the people in front of them who take forever, and then it's like a line to prove yourself a faster barcode swiper than the guy in front of you. But it never fails: just when you're almost done and you think you've got the most efficient time, you'll unwittingly move one of the already-swiped items around to make room in the bagging area and a “Please wait for assistance” message will pop up on the screen. And then suddenly you're THAT GUY, no matter how many “what the hells” and “you've gotta be kidding mes” you can muster before the cashier comes over and fixes it.
I don't like buying syrup because you know you won't have to buy any more for at least a year. That's too much pressure. How do I know what kind of syrup I'll like in a year? At least when I buy cheap toilet paper because I'm on a healthy kick, I know that it won't be long before I'm back in to the store for Cottonelle Ultra-Thick Triple Rolls if I revert to Taco Bell three times a week.
Is anyone else as confused as I am when it comes to picking out ripe fruit? When I pick up a tomato or an orange or a kiwi in the produce section, the only thing I'm doing is molesting it. There is absolutely no corrolation between the touching and squeezing I perform, and the ripeness of the fruit I end up selecting. The only fruit I get right every time are bananas. You can't really go wrong there; it's just green to yellow to brown. Every fruit should come with a sliding color scale as simple as that.
One of these days I'm going to memorize a cashier's authorization code so when a “Please wait for assistance” message pops up on the guy's screen in front of me, I can roll my eyes and say, “Here, just move over and let me handle this,” and then sigh in disgust as I clear the screen, get back in line, and mouth “Can you believe this guy?” to everyone behind me.