What He Says, What He Really Means

By Yui Kanno

Don’t know what your guy friends are talking about? Certain things they say don’t make sense? Use this translation dictionary to get inside their heads.

“You seem like a nice girl.” –> “You’re good looking.”

“I trust you.” –> “You always give me sex, that’s nice.”

“I trusted you.” –> “You always gave me sex, but why no sex today?”

“I like Yoga.” –> “I have no muscles and suck at sports.”

“I’m taking a Yoga class.” –> “I like watching my hot Yoga teacher doing this and that, and I don’t mind paying 50 bucks an hour for that.”

“I’m taking a Japanese class.” –> “I have the Asian Girls Gone Wild series on my computer.”

“We get along perfectly. You’re like my best friend.” –> “I’m totally in love with you, why don’t you like me?”

“HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, no, nothing…I just…hahaha!” –> “Cool! I guess that means you’re in love with me, right?”

“Josh’s girlfriend, Anna, is a cool girl.” –> “Anna’s fucking hot, she should be chasing me, not Josh, damn.”

“No, you’re cool.” –> “I can make out with you, but no serious relationship please.”

“I don’t know about her so much…” –> “She’s ugly.”

“She’s kinda mean.” –> “She ugly.”

“She’s not very confident in herself.” –> “She’s not that good looking. Actually, she’s pretty ugly.”

“She just knows how to make me smile.” –> “She is good looking.”

“She likes all the same stuff I do, like playing soccer and jogging.” –> “I forced myself to like what she liked.”

“She’s pushy.” –> “I only made out with her like 10 times and she already wants to be my girlfriend.”

“She has some self-confidence issues.” –> “I only made out with her like 10 times, and she already freaked out when she saw me flirting with Jessica.”

“Please let me know if you need anything.” –> “You’re cute.”

“Oh, Molly? She’s not my roommate anymore. No, we were just good friends.” –> “I made out with her a few times, but then Ashley came over and Molly saw us making out, so Molly cried hysterically and left.”

“What’s wrong?” –> “Does that mean no sex today?”

“I don’t know…maybe.” –> “Hell no.”

“I’ll meet you at 2pm.” –> “I might see you at 3, if you’re lucky. But don’t count on it.”

“I’ve never cheated.” –> “So I’ve made out with girls besides my girlfriend, what’s your point?”

“What did you just say?” –> “Does that mean you’re not attracted to me anymore? I thought you were totally into me! You just let me kiss you last night! You’re such a slut, a good girl doesn’t make out with a guy who’s not her boyfriend!”

“Some guys are all about sex; I’m not like that.” –> “Technically, I’m a horny male who loves to make out with all girls in the world, but I had 3 STDs last year, so my mom told me to be more careful about unprotected sex this year.”

“I want to know you before we make love.” –> “I have herpes.”

“We were dating, but she got so busy with her new job…” –> “She dumped me, and now she’s dating her new colleague, a Harvard graduate. Damn I love her.”

“I can’t see you this Friday, I have work.” –> “Aunt Suzy told me to babysit her son, so I can get 10 bucks an hour. I have to pay the water bill by tomorrow.”

“When I was little, I was a violent, dangerous kid.” –> “I was a sensitive boy who loved to read comic books.”

“I’m not really sure what’s in those folders, probably a bunch of research papers from last semester.” –> “There’s no way in HELL I’m deleting those naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend!”

“This girl I met at the bar said she wanted to have a one night stand with me. I told her I only make love to a girl I love.” –> “I might look ugly and fat, but let me tell you, there are still some freaks out there who want me, so hurry, come and get me my princess!”

“When I get sick, will you take care of me?” –> “I’ve been having these weird symptoms, so I guess I have HIV or something like that. I’m looking for somebody to take care of me for free. Anyone?”