When I say I’ve had a tough life, I’m not trying to brag to internet strangers, I’m merely parting my extensive wisdom for you to cherish, always. I was the eldest child, born into the upper-middle class white family curse. I had a father, a full-time professional accountant, and a mother, a part-time lecturer. Needless to say I had to work extensively to secure a place studying sociology at my mother’s university. I’ve made it, through grit and determination. I’m living the dream. And now, I want to tell you, internet underlings, how I’ve become the finest stoner the world has ever seen, so you can do the same.

Step 1 – Smoke Some Pot

Let’s not kid ourselves here, we’ve all seen The Big Lebowski, and we all think we’re The Dude, effortlessly cool when we smoke pot. But let me be the first to tell you, you’re not The Dude. You’re on the internet… reading! You’re barely even a fucking Donny! (What..? …Who’s Donny? You know… the Steve Buscemi character? Ah… nevermind he wasn’t important.)

Your average stoner is just trying to fill a love-shaped hole left by loving parents.My point is, let’s start out small here, baby steps. To become a stoner, you need to at least smoke some pot. This means you have to find yourself a group of stoners to latch on to. Don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them. So go on, stake out a supermarket and wait for a giggling conglomerate of Jimi Hendrix t-shirts to buy cheap crisps, and just join the group. Pretend like you were always there. Laugh with them, hug them, and most importantly smoke your fair share of the pot. Swear blind you paid Darren’s cousin. (Quick note, Darren may not be a suitable name.) At the end of the night, make sure you find out when they’re all meeting up next. Be there.

Step 2 – Give Up Your Personality

Look I don’t care what political values you hold dear, how eclectic your music taste is, or even how well you follow moderately complex story arcs on television. You’re a stoner now, and this means giving up that whole "personality" thing you’ve been pretending to have. You need to learn a few basic principles, sound bites if you will, and the rest of the conformity should come naturally. If you’re ever stuck for something to say, just stick to this template:

"_____ was like, the best _____ ever… I bet it was all the pot he/she smoked."

This is the golden rule of the stoner bible, just admire its beauty in action:

"Bob Marley was like, the best songwriter ever… I bet it was all the pot he smoked."

"Che Guevara was like, the best guy ever…. I bet it was all the pot he smoked."

If you need to change it up a little, chuck in a cheeky bit of present tense. It still works:

"SpongeBob Squarepants is like, the best actor ever… I bet it’s all the pot he smokes."

Spongebob is high on marijuana
Somebody forgot the weed.

Step 3 – Meet the Dealer

So you’ve been hanging round with your new stoner buddies and fitting in well, paying for your fair share of pot. This is the stage a lot of people stay at for a long time. But you don’t want to be a stoner, right? You want to be THE stoner! This means becoming the person who meets the dealer.

Don’t be scared of this, he’s now your new idol! (I’m sticking with "he" here, and I don’t feel sexist… I mean, lady drug dealers? C’mon!) Every time you buy from him, study him and learn his ways. He’s a master of intimidation at the start, luring you into his car… always travelling with his "bodybuilder" friend Paco (I may be generalizing here, I had quite the fruity dealer.) Build up trust, because your aim here is to become the go-to guy for drugs, a dealer yourself.

Step 4 – Relinquish Your Personal Space

You don’t like your roommates, do you? Well the best way to get back at them is to stink the whole place up with that gorgeous weed smell, eau de attention. That’s right, give up your personal space for any wandering stoner who may be drawn in by the smell. But how do you keep them there? Easy. Just think back to step 2: buy a Bob Marley poster, some Jimi Hendrix memorabilia, and a bong with reggae colors. Make the wanderers feel welcome; remember, your average stoner is just trying to fill a love-shaped hole left by loving parents. Build up trust with the stoners and it’ll help you with your final task.

Step 5 – Become a Motherfucking Dealer

I don’t mean a dealer, I mean a Motherfucking Dealer. Abuse all the trust you’ve built up over these past few months. Try and get the weed discounted from your dealer, or ask him where he gets his supply. Wait… that sounded far too polite. You’re a Motherfucking Dealer now, let’s try that again. Get money off the weed, or break his legs until he tells you where he gets it cheaper. Remember, you’re an upper-middle class white male like me, we don’t get prison time!

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