I don’t know what attracted you to this article in the first place, but before you undertake any of these methods, you need to do a deep search on the person you’re going to ruin. A Google search isn’t going to cut it—you need all the sensitive information you can get on your target in order to effectively ruin them (physical addresses, background reports, police records, photos, etc).
Also, before you read any further, I must warn you that publicly ruining someone’s life is no joke. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle; once a person’s reputation is destroyed, no amount of creative spin can erase the public’s memory—just ask O.J. Simpson or Anthony Weiner. If the offenses committed against you by this poor excuse for a human being are so abominable, so completely heinous that you’re 150% sure you want to go through with this, then you’ve come to the right place!
Whether you seek to destroy your former employer or romantic partner, a professional rival or your spouse’s psycho ex, your target shall henceforth be referred to as the Perp. (Cue ominous “Law and Order” scene dissolve music.)
Okay, let’s get started.
Preparation: Deep search the Perp.
Doing your homework is of utmost importance, because without certain information and knowledge, it will be very difficult to carry out any of these methods. Fortunately, public records search engines make it entirely possible to find all the info you need about anyone with only a name or phone number.
Any of these sites will give you all the info you need on the Perp, so start with a search:
- Get a background report on the Perp
- Get their current address
- Search their public records data
- Search their criminal record
- Look up a phone number to find out who it belongs to
Method 1: Stage a protest at their workplace.
Having spent many a long evening nodding sympathetically while you used your Cosmopolitan-inspired psychiatric expertise to drunkenly diagnose your ex-boyfriend with borderline personality disorder, your loyal BFFs will find it a refreshing change of pace to stand outside the Perp’s place of employment with you, wagging their fingers menacingly and chanting, “Shame! Shame!” like a gaggle of enthusiastic Puritan conventioneers.
Your girlfriends will happily don the custom T-shirts you provide with the Perp’s image emblazoned across the front and “Beware!” printed in bold red lettering, as long as the cut doesn’t make them look fat. Make sure to have a matching shirt made for your French bulldog, Vinnie, that sports the caption “Hates Animals” over the Perp’s likeness.
Besides being irresistibly adorable to passersby, this may cause your ex to rue the day he objected to letting Vinnie share your bed, on the grounds that “his farts keep me awake.”
Method 2: Place a defamatory ad in the paper.
A full-page spread in the Sunday New York Times will go a long way towards informing the public, or at least its literate elite portion, of your Perp’s offenses, but at $150,000 a pop (and that’s just for black & white!) you may have to take out a second mortgage on your home. If your Perp is in the corporate world, you can buy a full page ad in The Wall Street Journal for the slightly more affordable rate of $45,000 for black & white and $55,000 for color. This may be the ideal venue to expose the Perp’s Ponzi scheme or insider trading, but not as appropriate for broadcasting how he heartlessly broke up with you by text message.
If the above options are a little rich for your blood, you can always buy a page in your local weekly rag, which might be as damaging to your Perp’s reputation as the NYT or WSJ if you live in a small town.
Method 3: Threaten a paternity suit at their office.
Hire a child actor from your local casting agent, along with an actress to play his/her mother. Direct the pair to show up at the Perp’s workplace, preferably when he is presiding over a board meeting or pitching a campaign to an important client. Have the child run into the room screaming, “Daddy!” followed by the mom, carrying a book bag and crying real tears.
When the Perp appears confused, protesting “I’ve never seen these people before in my life!” it will only make the audience doubt his innocence more. Tell the baby mama to go “Maury” on his ass, pointing at various parts of the child’s anatomy and screeching, “Look at that nose! Look at those lips!” while ignoring his offers to take a lie detector test or provide a DNA sample.
If your budget allows, hire five child/mother pairs—one for each workday—of diverse ages and ethnicities.
Not limited to men, this tactic may be even more effective if used on a female Perp, for while deadbeat dads are a dime a dozen, what kind of she-monster would abandon her own child?
Method 4: Write a revenge message in the sky.
Picture a beautiful, cloudless Saturday morning at a neighborhood park, where your former employer is attending her kid’s soccer game, her unjust firing of you the furthest thing from her mind. While she inappropriately coaches her un-athletic progeny from the stands, all heads tilt slowly towards the sky, like the “Surrender Dorothy” scene in The Wizard of Oz, as they follow a bi-plane trailing spirals of white vapor in its wake.
A message declaring that “[Your Perp’s Name] is a Boss from Hell” appears above the gasping crowd, written in 2,400 foot tall letters visible for 40 miles around. The accused attempts to bring the spectators’ attention back to the field by yelling at her son, “Well played, Timmy!” but no one, especially Timmy, is buying it. Parents in neighboring seats recoil from the defamed soccer mom, protectively shielding their children as they scurry out of the park, forgetting in their haste to ask who is providing refreshments for next weekend’s game.
Warning: Hiring a skywriter could eat up a few of your unemployment checks. Starting at around $3,500 and going as high as the cost of a full-page color ad in the Times, skywriting is not cheap. Actor Shia LaBeouf spent $25,000 to commission five planes to spell “Stop creating” over Los Angeles, and several messages in the blue Pasadena sky over the 2016 Rose Parade calling Donald Trump “disgusting” and “a fascist dictator” might have cost Republican real estate developer Stan Pate five times that amount.
An aerial banner is a much cheaper way to go, as it only requires one plane and allows you to display a more complex message. Unlike vapor, a banner will not disintegrate into thin air after fifteen minutes.
Method 5: Burn their effigy in their front yard.
What crowd can resist the sight of an oversized papier-mâché head atop a highly flammable cape, doused in kerosene and set afire on your Perp’s front lawn?
All the materials you’ll need are readily available at your local arts-and-crafts store, and in your backyard. Start by gathering some big sticks and acquiring a large burlap sack for the body. The head can be as primitive or as detailed as your artistic abilities allow. Exaggerate the Perp’s features—the more hideous, the better—but if creating a disfiguring wart or triple chin out of chicken wire and glue-sodden newspaper proves too tricky, simply hang a sign around the effigy”s neck with the Perp’s name scrawled on it.
Encourage curious neighborhood children to toast s’mores over the blaze, and bring along a Confederate flag to throw in if you want to attract the local TV news crews, and maybe even earn a spot on CNN.
Method 6: Write an unauthorized biography.
Telling the Perp’s story from your point of view can be a cathartic experience, and if you are lucky enough to get your book published, you can spread news of his crimes far and wide. However, unless you, your Perp, or both are celebrities, attracting the attention of a major, or even minor publishing house, is unlikely. Fortunately, DIY services like Book Baby allow you to attractively package and publish your tell-all and disseminate it throughout the Perp’s social diaspora in both print and e-book formats.
If your command of the written word is not up to the task, don’t hesitate to hire a ghostwriter. Your book’s cover might read: “Scum!” The Unauthorized Biography of [Perp’s Name] by [Your Name], as told to [Ghostwriter’s Name].
Avoid libel suits by claiming to read your Perp’s mind. “I am an irredeemable serial philanderer,” thought [Perp’s name],” and any woman in her right mind should avoid me like the plague.”
See what we’ve done here? No one can disprove that your Perp had these thoughts, and since we haven’t claimed he spoke them aloud, we have shielded ourselves from litigation.
Method 7: Accuse them of crimes against humanity.
Demand that your Perp be tried in front of an international tribunal at the Hague. Formerly reserved for heads of state, and more recently for warlords and politicians, it’s only a matter of time before ICC prosecutions are opened up for plain old everyday assholes.
Patience will be key here, for your case could take at least thirty years to work its way through the courts, and require the gathering of thousands of signatures. However, once your Perp takes her seat in the dock, and surviving witnesses parade through the courtroom recounting horrific tales of her offenses—for instance, it turns out that you are only one of scores of lovers she told were “the best she ever had” before cleaning out their bank accounts—it will be well worth the wait, and after all, don’t they say revenge is best served cold?
Method 8: Have them excommunicated from their church.
If your Perp is a Catholic, Mormon or Scientologist, the rejection of his church will have the powerful effect of ruining his life not only in this world, but in the next. After spending his remaining time on Earth as an outcast, cut off from beloved family members, the doomed Perp will have millennia to ponder whether it was worth standing you up at the altar, as he rotates on a spit over an infernal Hellfire like something out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting. Perhaps he wouldn’t have run away with that auto show model if he’d known it would damn his soul for all eternity? These are some of the thoughts your Perp will torture himself with as his guardian devil turns up the heat another 500 degrees, and the skin on his backside sputters and pops like a panful of pork cracklings.
I hope this article has given you some productive avenues to explore as you seek to destroy your Perp’s future, sabotage his present, and make him deeply regret his past, especially the part that included you. I guarantee that if you pull off even one of these strategies, you will sleep better at night, while your Perp may need to be heavily sedated. Being the architect of someone’s public ruin has the added benefit of deterring future offenders, for once prospective mates, rivals or employers see what you are capable of, they will be sure to treat you with the absolute deference and respect that you deserve.
Disclaimer: Neither the author nor Points in Case accepts liability for lives ruined as a result of this article.
Continue to get all the Perp’s sensitive info:
- Background report
- Current address information
- Public records data
- Criminal records data
- Reverse phone lookup