The Greatest Sexual Theory of All Time

By staff writer Chris Phelan

Hello, world. I’ve got this theory and I’m about to blow your mind.

THE THEORY: If you do something sexual with somebody, you should forever be able to get to that point again with them any time you want, assuming you both are single.

Sound confusing? It’s not.

For example, say you dated a girl when you were little. You made out, maybe got to second base (“Hooray!” you thought when this first happened, just to jog your beer-killed memory). Now, if you happen to run into this girl down the road five, even ten years later, you should be able to get just as far with her “just for fun.” That’s right, merely because you two are single and you’ve already done it before, you should be able to do it again. No feelings involved, just a time-machine trip back to 7th grade all over again.

In an effort to help jog your memory of past sexual adventures, here’s a handy guide to the lingo you used to identify these experiences, as well as your current methods.

What you said then

What it meant

What you say now

What it means

“I can’t believe I finally kissed Beth at the dance!”

You two awkwardly jammed your tongues together and tried to eat each other’s teeth.

“Dude, so I was hanging out with this girl at the bar last night.”

You made out a little after you lied and said you watch Grey’s Anatomy.

“Boobs!! I felt them!!booobdsaa!!!”

You gripped and twisted as if her chest was the Mortal Kombat arcade joystick.

“DUDE, so I was hanging out with this girl at the bar last night.”

You touched a boob or two while sleazily grinding with her on the bar dance floor.

“Guess who just got his first blowjob?”

You loved it, she told you she loved it, and yet for the rest of the relationship it became increasingly hard to get one again.

“Dude, are you kidding me? This chick was on my dick basically the whole night! Best head EVER.”

The bar closed and you said goodbye, but not before casually dropping the “my roommate has Grey’s on DVD” bomb on her. She gave you thirty seconds of half-assed head, then passed out on your futon.

“Well, she was too nervous, we’re totally gonna try tomorrow when her parents aren’t home, though.”

You lasted all of a split-second.

Dude, I got laid.”

You did not get laid.

So, this theory also goes for the girl you dated in high school, and the hookups you’ve had in college. If somehow we all figured out a way to make this the acceptable way of living, we’d all be much happier (albeit a little more STD-ridden, but hey, as they say, STDs are the fruit of life). As long as you don’t progress past the initial stopping point you reached in the past, you’re golden.

Ever kissed someone's ass before? Thanks to the greatest sexual theory ever and a little makeup, you're free to do it again whenever.

Think about it, this may be the greatest sexual theory of all time. Read it again: If you do something sexual with somebody, you should forever be able to get to that point again with them any time you want, assuming you both are single.

(Note to Women: Good news! This also corresponds to non-sexual activities! Say you and Mark once went bungee jumping together. If you ever feel the need to jump again, by all means take him along. But, try to get him to base jump after you’re done bungeeing, well, then you’re just being a bitch.)

Let’s face it, when you’re single, all that’s going through your mind, at every waking moment, is exactly two questions:

1. How can I get some ass around here?
2. Give me some ass.

So, by this philosophy, all single guys and girls who have dated each other in the past have carte blanche to call each other up and pick up where they left off, whether it was weeks, months, or years ago. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that emotional feelings fade over time. This works well with this new theory, considering it would probably creep the hell out of your ex-girlfriend if she ever spotted a tear of remembrance running down your cheek as you squeeze the butt you once called “the butt of an angel.” (You were an idiot back then.) But I digress.

The beautiful thing about this is that physical feelings don’t die out between people, ever. If you’ve had sex with a girl, nothing could change the fact that you would—in a heartbeat—have sex with her again. …With the exception of “Car Crash Girl.” Car Crash Girl is the girl you dated a long time ago who regressed so much that the only logical thing you can tell yourself is, “Oh man, she must’ve been in some terrible car accident.” See, this way, if your buddies catch a glimpse of “Little Miss ’91 Camry into a Telephone Pole,” you can rest easy saying, “Ah, she was quite the looker before the horrific crash!”

And your buddies will nod understandingly.

Partly because they know you’re lying, and will rag on you about it later.

But mostly because they too once felt your pain of seeing an ex-girlfriend and realizing she has, over time, morphed into some kind of girl/wolf hybrid.

So, here's the plan: We all spread around this theory, and then we live like kings. The freedom to hookup with ex-girlfriends and -boyfriends and old bar makeouts and one night stands and the “I’ve-made-a-huge-mistakes” are what America should be all about.

I mean, come on, what is this, Iraq?

C'mon, one more:

That makes sense. In fact, it's pretty damn brilliant. One question: what about the stuff you did when you were playing "doctor"? Does that count?

Well done, Chris.

I agree completely. :+:

Haha, Car crash girl

some girls are dumb and dont stick to this theory. they will be shat upon by birds soon.

the "table of sexual experience lingo" was pretty dead on... nice

I've been reading PIC for at least a year and never felt the need to comment, but when I read "the Theory" I threw my arms up in agreement. I've been postulating this for years, but now it's in writing. Thank you.

I absolutley loved this. And the Doctor thing of course it counts I mean whats the point of playing doctor when your 8 if it wont relate to getting some boob when the female gets some boobs?

As a girl, I feel confident to say that this is the most brilliant theory ever. Now if only I had gotten some of my drunken hookups' phone numbers.

masterfully written, probably the greatest theory i've ever heard!

We all spread around this theory, and then we live like kings...

yes, like kings.

--yet another great article that will be posted in my away message for the next week.

keep it up bro.

Good theory with a major hole. If an ex must oblige my request, must I, too, oblige any request? What if Met Her While Wearing Beer Goggles in A Dark Bar suddenly wants some tongue love?

I'm afraid...

Well done and I agree with the theory because no one can have enough hook up buddies. Everyone needs that pal every now and then, you know on those nights when you don't want to have to try to pick someone up and instead just make a call knowing it's a sure thing. I would change one thing... on the lingo guide, I would change under "dude I got laid" under the what it means now to "You lasted all of a split-second".

my peen is over a foot long AND YOU CANT STOP ME!!!!! muahahahahaha i like the raaaaaaaaaaape in the assss whenever she licks my cootie i say hello three times

Quite possibly the greatest piece of writing ever immortalized through Points in Case. It will go down as the biggest breakthrough of this or any century.


I completely agree. Backtracking is the way to go...especially for girls. If you don't want to be a slut, just fuck people you've fucked before. Its not like it counts <i></i>again<i></i>. The only reason I can see to not hook up with someone again is if you know they are a BAD hookup...

OMFG!!! This is possibly the greatest thing I've read in a long while. Can I have your permission to post this, giving you full credit? e-mail me please.

it's good, i wouldn't say it's the best thing EVER written like the butthole below me, but congrats on getting off your ass and actually sending something in

Good idea, poor English.