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Being an intellectual in college is fun. Not only will your teachers
give you better grades if they think you really care, but people of
the opposite sex might actually sleep with you if you seem like you
know about books and stuff. Of course, actually caring about things
is way too hard, so here are some quick tips—shortcuts if you will.
Use them, and you’re on the road to a successful college career.
1.
Go the biggest library in your area. Walk around very slowly. Then, when anybody
asks you about a book you haven't read, you can say: “I've looked at it.”
2. If someone brings up an author
and you've actually read one of his books, make sure to use the word “only.”
| Example: Oh,
Raymond Chandler? Yeah, I've only read The Big Sleep. |
|
Sorry guys, this
guide is only for those who already failed the "Get Rich
Quick" scheme. |
This implies that you've read everything by every other author.
3.
Liking things is terrible. It makes you look like an idiot. Not liking things is
the only way to be smart. This really puts you in a bind when someone asks you
what you like. When this happens, use words like “only” and “really” and “oh.”
| Examples:
-What movies do you like?
-I only really like films from the Hungarian New Wave.
-What books do you like?
-Oh, I’m picky. I only really like Kafka. |
4. When saying something that
everybody knows, just pretend that it's your opinion.
| Example: I really
do think that Shakespeare was the most important playwright
of all time. |
5.
When saying something that is probably total bullshit, pretend that it's
something everybody knows.
| Example: I know I'm
not the first to point this out, but Ibsen was probably
influenced by the Hungarian New Wave. |
6.
If people are talking about an artist and you don't have something useful to add
to the conversation, just point out the medium that the artist worked in. This
never fails.
| Examples: -I
think Shakespeare was also commenting on what the theater
IS.
-I think Joyce is also really interested in the nature of
what the novel really IS.
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7.
If you want to embarrass somebody, just tell them that their favorite author is
“too self-referential.” Nobody knows what this really means, just that it’s
insulting.
8.
Never underestimate the power of silly voices. You can always get a laugh by
taking any random label and adding the word “post” in front of it with a silly
voice.
| Examples:
(Capital letters indicate silly voice)
-It's totally a POST-novel.
-That's so POST-feminist. |
9.
If you’re in class and you don't have anything to say, just raise your hand and
paraphrase what the teacher just said. Say it in a questioning tone to make it
believable.
10.
Agreeing with people is bad—almost as bad as liking things. Disagreement will
always make you look smarter. If you can't find a reason to disagree with
someone, just tell them that a famous author would disagree with them were
he/she still around.
| Example: Well I
think T.S. Eliot would disagree with you there. |
(Note: A silly voice may also be implemented in this scenario. If you make
this decision, use it on the “I THINK”)
11.
Women your age don't want to feel like you respect their intellectual
capabilities. So it's good if you feel like you constantly have to belittle
them. A good strategy for this is to say that you liked the things that they
like when you were much younger.
| Example: The Velvet
Underground? No way, they were my favorite band when I was
twelve. |
(Note: A silly voice will do you no good in this situation. This a tactic
best played straight.)
12.
You can always tell someone they're wrong by insisting that what they've said
isn't vague and abstract enough.
| Examples: -I
think the fool in Shakespeare is there to destabilize the
language.
-Well… I think the fool is there to do a lot of other things
too.
-I think Godard is concerned with the politics of the self.
-Well… he's concerned with a lot of other things too.
-I think Pinter wants to show the absurdity of basic human existence.
-Well… he wants to show a lot of other things too. |
13.
Pick five or six books at random. Begin assuming that anyone worth anything has
read these books. Work this assumption into your conversations. In fact, if you
get good at this, you can pretend like you’re making observations without
actually saying anything.
| Examples: -It
reminds me of Moby Dick, you know what I mean?
-That’s totally like Sade’s Justine, no?
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14.
Pick a random cheap beer. Convince yourself that this is the only beer that is
both good AND cheap. Chastise anyone who ever drinks any other cheap beer.
15.
Pick a random girl. Decide that she is the love of your life. Begin referring to
her in conversation as Beatrice. When you finally are introduced to her at a
party, follow the directions above and you will have no problem getting totally
laid.
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