Dictators rarely get good press. They’re usually dismissed as madmen and delusional fools. This is probably a little unfair when you look at the facts. Sure you have to be a little ruthless and commit some inhumane acts to maintain the culture of fear and desperation that keeps you in power, but the positives outweigh the negatives, and it really is a mostly pleasant and charmed life.

Here are five simple reasons why the life of a dictator is a better life than yours.

1. There’s absolutely zero paperwork involved.

Dictators don’t have to fill in fucking forms for anything. Not for passports, driver’s licenses, jobs, or credit cards, like us little people. Dictators have never even seen that soul-destroying "Name, Address, DOB" template that we seem to be filling in every other day. When dictators go to other countries they don’t need a passport, they’re invited on state visits. Nobody asks them to fill in those niggly little "state your purpose" border control forms; they say shit to border control like, "I’m here to be entertained by your cowardly, unmanly, impotent leaders."

2. Propaganda is super fun.

Propaganda has gotten a real bad reputation ever since the Nazis abused it, but it is a fun, imaginative, and creative pursuit when executed properly. Kim Jong-Il must have had a blast making those videos depicting himself as the best golfer in the world. We all did that shit when we were kids out in the garden pretending to be the best in the world at our chosen sport. But this guy got to do it on a much bigger and more satisfying scale. And his son making video footage showing North Korea beating Portugal in the final to win the soccer world cup in Brazil? Well that’s just an all-round fun time for everyone involved. If the government in Westminster had the nounce to do that rather than make us suffer by watching our team’s actual performance, my summer would have been a whole lot better.

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3. "Yes Men" are great for the ego.

Dictators get to surround themselves with Yes Men. Yes Men get a lot of bad press, but I would love to spend just one week surrounded by people who felt compelled to tell me I could do anything and that I was great, rather than constantly being met with crumpled faces, negative head movements, and statements like, "I just don’t think you have it in you," "I’m not sure you’re good enough," and "Maybe aim a little lower…." CUNTS!

4. Your sex appeal skyrockets.

Kim Jong Un - North Korean dictator surrounded by women 

It is truly a mystery of human biology just how attractive you become when you’re crowned Supreme Leader of a rogue state. Suddenly every woman (not to mention a large subset of men) wants to fuck you. Science often maintains that women are attracted to status while men are attracted to beauty. And from a status point of view, it doesn’t get much higher than Supreme Mother Fucking Leader, bitch!

5. Money, money, money, money, money!!!!!

There is not another job on the planet that allows you to amass such great wealth with such little effort or input. The dictator of a piss poor third world country can easily out-earn Obama, and that’s without the headache of trying to get elected, being held legally accountable for decisions, and being constantly scrutinized by those pesky little media dicks.

* * *

Listen, there are a few minor downsides to being a dictator, but I hope I have illustrated that the positives far outweigh the negatives. If you’re ever in a position to be a dictator, ignore the do-gooder bullshit of our mainstream media and grab that opportunity firmly with both hands. It’s a great fucking life, and I haven’t even touched on the birthday parties you get to throw for yourself. Think Puff Daddy, Jay-Z, Kanye, Rihanna, and Beyoncé all performing live. Followed by hot tubs, cigars, cocaine, machine guns, diamonds, Naomi Campbell, Christy Turlington, Kate Moss, and Elton John playing piano in the morning to sooth your recovery.

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