Lately, it seems like all anybody wants to talk about is their deformed spawn: “I just had a baby!”…”Stare at my baby!”…”Please stop feeding red ants to my baby”…

Congratulations, organ bags, you managed to squeeze a shitmaker out of your vagina. You're joined an elite group that includes you, Angelina Jolie, Arnold Schwarzenegger in that movie, and oh, I don't know, everybody's fucking mother in the history of the world. Your baby is uncoordinated, throwing up, incoherent, and dressed like a moron.

And if I wanted those things, I'd be dating my alcoholic bitch of an ex-girlfriend.

You don't think she would take me back, do you? Nah, never mind, she probably wouldn't.

You know what's not any of those things, though? My Xbox 360. My Xbox 360 is so much more interesting than your little poop factory that it makes me have a little orgasm every time I think about it. Comparing my Xbox 360 to your child is like comparing Chuck Norris Facts to Chuck Norris: One is interesting and fun, and the other pisses himself a lot.

I can tell that you're unconvinced. It's understandable. If I had ruined the integrity of my sideways smile for the foreseeable future, I might be a little bit defensive too. Let's run down the list of ways my Xbox is better:

My Xbox 360 Doesn't Smell Like Vagina: If you're harboring any delusions that your baby doesn't, you're wrong. Have you ever touched a vagina? That smell will stay on you. Now imagine if you spent nine months lingering around one, and hours traveling through one. Yeah, you'd be a little rank too.

My Xbox 360 Doesn't Shit All Over the Place: Sometimes when I have friends over, I sigh loudly and say, “fuck, I have to go change my Xbox”. Then I perk up and say, “oh not wait. I don't. Because it's not a stupid baby.” They say they're tired of that joke, but it gets a chuckle about 30% of the time.

My Xbox 360 Doesn't Cry At Night: It's not Chuck Norris.

My Xbox 360 Is Cost Effective: Even if I buy a new game every week, it's still way cheaper than that little flesh bag you popped out. I could buy a copy of Guitar Hero every month, and hand them out to my friends for way less than you pay in diapers alone. While you're struggling to put K'Mart sneakers on little squashface, I'm easily buying the best possible wireless controller. And a whole case of Mountain Dew Game Fuel.

My Xbox 360 Doesn't Need Attention: I can leave it alone in the living room days at a time. You try doing that with a baby, people start to ask all sorts of nosy questions.

My Xbox 360 Isn't Fragile: And if it does break, I can put it in a box and send it to be fixed. I don't have to deal with pediatricians who I'm pretty sure have an erection, and I can't tell if it's me or my child. Or both.

My Xbox 360 Is Convenient: You ever hear of “Xbox-proof seats?” Or anybody “Xbox-proofing their home”? No, because Xbox 360's aren't spoiled little douchenozzles.

My Xbox 360 Doesn't Ruin My Sex Life: Well, ok, maybe it does a little bit.

My Xbox 360 Won't Grow Up To Embarrass Me: I will never have to see its circuitry as it's exploited by some greasy clump of asshair offering free t-shirts and the opportunity to be a camera whore.

And finally:

If, for any Reason, I Don't Like It Anymore, I Can Sell It on E-Bay: Game, set, match, Xbox 360.

Listen, the fact remains that by any logical metric, having an Xbox is a far more cost-effective and fun addition to a home than a child. I'm not even sure why people have kids. My Xbox has been such a blessing, I'm thinking of adding a Wii addition to my household.

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