Notes From Pantone Considering Which Shade of Taupe to Name 2019 Color of the Year
Bereft Muskrat: “Too hopeful.” “Muskrats evoke something too adorable to be considered appropriate for 2019, even if they are bereft.”
Tag: Satire
Last Year’s Cruise Ship Accident Will Not Affect How I Manage This Year’s Cruise Ships
Feel free to thumb through the 3,500-page book, "Extreme Survival Scenarios," which is now required reading. Feel free to hang out by the buffet.
Alternative Wedding Rings for Alternative Couples
Oh, this is one of our newest and my personal favorite lines: rings made from melted-down scooter wheels
New York City Sights to See During Your Next Emotional Breakdown
Your emotional stability is hanging by a thread? Well, so is the Dow Jones Industrial Average, baby!
Help! There’s a Ghost in My Apartment and It Keeps Talking About the Same Three “Office” Episodes
I can’t get any sleep. Everywhere I go in my apartment the ghost follows me and keeps saying, “Remember the part…” and “What about when…”
I’m a Tiny Earthquake and I’m Sick of Being Objectified By the Richter Scale
I am a strong, independent, intraplate earthquake with good near-field vertical ground motions. I don’t need a bunch of tools telling me my worth.
How to Peg Your Partner: A Step-by-Step Guide
After the kids are asleep and your partner has put the Kindle aside, remark on the lack of sexual activity between the two of you. Your partner yawns.
When Did Purges Get So Corporate?
Every year there’s an escalation of more and more extreme Purge spectacles. And honest, hard-working citizens just can’t keep up.
My Daily Skincare Routine, Post-Nuclear Holocaust
I don’t have to worry about sun protection because we are not even sure the sun exists anymore.
New World Order Seeking Enthusiastic Intern (Spring 2019)
We are looking for an energetic, passionate intern approximately 80-83 years old with an ability to learn and grow with the organization.
Robotics Team Totally Not Fucking the Robot
“Why does it have breasts?” Uh, women have breasts, okay? i-Rene is obviously female, duh! I mean we named her i-Rene.
Chapter One of My Autobiography, Written in Advance to Free Up Time When I’m Extremely Busy
How did I make this unexpected transformation from amateur writer to entrepreneur-scholar-travel blogger-Harlem Globetrotter?