Hello, I’m the Witch in Your Hall Closet
Finally, I'll have sated my 200-year-old appetite, fulfilled a centuries-old curse, and your family's financial situation will stabilize.
Tag: Hell
I Dated a Vampire and It Sucked
He used words like “dooth” and “swete”, and I still have no idea what they mean. And his fashion is from the 1300s -- lots of beige-colored tunics.
Five Airbnb Listings You Literally Need to Book Right Now
Hal's Review: "About 13,000 people died there in the early 1900s, but you could hardly tell!"
The Five Stages of Grief for an Unanswered Tinder Message
Depression: Did I go too far by putting a puppy on my lap as I hold a guitar? Sure, I don’t know how to play guitar, but she doesn’t know that.
This Whole Flood Thing Sounds Pretty Bogus
It rains all the time and sometimes floods, but it’s never awful, so it wouldn’t surprise me if our Heavenly Father said this purely to make a fuss.
A Thank You Note From My Ex’s Current Girlfriend
He surprised me with a candle because he said, "I know your love language is 'receiving gifts.'" How did you get him to read "The 5 Love Languages"?!
I Lost 80 Pounds Just by Exorcising the Demon That was Inhabiting My Body
You'll be ready to snatch your body back from the erratic specter that’s possessed it---and look "snatched" doing it!
H.P. Lovecraft Reviews His Recent Amazon Purchases
Sun Lamp for Seasonal Affective Disorder, One Star: I returned this lamp to Amazon. With luck it will sleep eternally in the depths of their warehouses.
An Inside Look at the Crack Marketing Team at Pornhub
If I’ve already showered I’ll typically just pour something sticky on my head like honey or maple syrup and pretend it was an accident.
Christopher Columbus Discovered Heaven
The only problem with Heaven is that it doesn’t last long, depending on how strong your beans are, and so the key is to keep drinking more of it.
Woke Gear for the Politically Correct
New at Macy’s are Cordial-Roy® casual slacks---virtue you can wear. Looking good while avoiding social indiscretion never looked, well, so good!
An Open Letter to the Guy Next to Me Writing an Open Letter to the Smug Barista Who Threw Shade at Me
Yes, honored Seat Neighbor, you have described the whelp's arrogance in a manner both just and poetic. Yes, poetic!