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I recently heard from Fox News that two men ages 70 and 72 fought over free cheese at a Costco in South Carolina.

Maybe I’ll save a kid from drowning by jumping from a bridge. A local hero, on the news...wait, no one under 70 watches the news: trend on Twitter.

Honestly, I’m really totally fine being the one who gets his name mispronounced by a YouTube personality when we win an MTV Video Music Award.

With the precision of a casino dealer cutting a deck of cards, I scooped two large scoops of vanilla ice cream and put them into the frosty mug.

The great reviews it got were a combination of people pleased with its cooling capabilities as well as it’s craftsmanship as a self-death machine.

Michael and LeBron do not like mountain climbing. They’re just not any good at it. Conversely, Baby Goat can scale a mountain like nothing.

Inhale deeply, for you must use the communal microwave to reheat your leftover risotto, which will add another layer to the complex scent.

"The Brexit": The UK is on a train about to crash. Unfortunately, they were on a safe track and decided to pull the switch to crash themselves.

I purchased several bottles of Gorilla glue. Far more than would be needed in the house and/or for any "school project." In a week we were out again.

While our aesthetic up until about mid-2016 was "cozy cabin," our current aesthetic is more like "amicably abandoned sanitarium."

Your most memorable characteristics of me were “those eyes” and “that body.” Newsflash, Rick: most women on this planet have eyes and a body.

So why don’t you tilt your head back, close your eyes, and let me rock your world? Blast me straight onto this salad bar’s garbanzo beans.