>>> Points in Case
By staff writer Court Sullivan
Issue#7 – December 2000

-Have you ever noticed all the tactics people use to not get called on in class? There comes a time when the professor asks a question followed by a phrase like, “Let’s hear from somebody else now. . . I keep hearing the same people.” Then everything goes dead silent while the professor scans the room for a new person to call on. At this point there are a few options: a) it’s a big class, your odds are good—brace for impact b) suddenly pretend to look for something in your backpack and the professor will think you are too preoccupied to answer c) start flipping through your notebook with a frustrated look on your face as though you are “trying your hardest to find the answer” but won’t be of any help d) take cover—hide behind the person’s head in front of you e) stare straight ahead and remain motionless in a shocked posture with your eyes bulging like “what the hell are you talking about” and pray for mercy.

-Let’s face it, everyone has one of those super-boring professors whose lecture could put you to sleep faster than a case of beer. Some of these professors actually realize the torture they inflict upon the class, so they have what I like to call a “gimmick” to keep your attention. This could be one of those times when their boring monotone is suddenly interrupted by a random loud word or sentence. It’s so unexpected that you start thinking it must have been really important. Then everyone starts looking around and whispering, “What did he just say??” as if it’s the only comment that’s probably going to show up on the final. Other times, the professor will use you in his lecture as an example. That’s always a sure winner for attention. One time my history professor said, “OK, Court, let’s pretend you are the Queen of England” and immediately everyone started laughing like third-graders.

-In one of my classes, every time the students are all about to fall asleep, the professor starts talking about drugs. It’s the oddest thing, but of course the whole class immediately wakes up and no one is tired anymore. Like the other gimmicks though, his plan inherently backfired because now his lectures seem ten times as boring and no one will listen to anything but his drug stories.

-Have you ever wanted to sleep so badly during class only to go straight home to your bed and find out that you’re not tired anymore or you can’t fall asleep? And then you try desperately to think how tired you were during class but you just can’t recover the same urgency for sleep. How the hell can going to sleep sitting up in a fluorescent-flooded lecture hall with broken chairs be easier than with a mattress and a pillow in a dark, noiseless dorm room?

-It’s even more frustrating if you’re in a small class and you have to fight off sleep for the whole class period. You know how you kind of waver in and out of an alternate dimension of consciousness where you begin to associate random abstract thoughts with what the professor is saying. . . or you start taking notes and the words lose all meaning. That is some weird shit!

-Lately, we’ve been studying the 16th century in my history class. That pisses me off. Ironically, not the studying part, but the fact that the 16th century is actually the 1500’s. How confusing is that?! They should have started counting centuries in the year 100. That way everything would be fine. No one even cares what the fuck happened between the year 1 and 100! And now, since technically we’re still in the 20th century (I think), I propose that we ride it out for another century to get things back on track.

-Well, a little while ago it was Parent’s Weekend here at Emory. What a contradictory scene: half the kids are ridiculously sober because they’re out with their parents, and the other half are ridiculously drunk because it’s so boring having half the campus sober. I guess it’s just nature’s way of preserving a healthy campus alcoholic equilibrium.

-I hate it when people come up to me in the library and ask me what I’m up to. It’s like, hmmm, an open math book, a calculator and a pencil—I’m calculating how many beers it’s going to take to keep my blood alcohol level above .25 this weekend. I mean, come on! I figured that out a long time ago! What the fuck do you think I’m doing!

-Have you ever seen those advertising banners on the Internet that have some kind of survey or choice for you to make on them, but it’s really just one big link to their site? Or it has some obviously fake imitation of a Windows box telling you to click “OK” because your computer is not “optimized for maximum speed”? Who the hell falls for that stuff anymore?!!

-Do you have any friends that use someone’s old driver’s license as a fake ID? I think it’s really funny because when one of my boys will come brag to me like “Check this out, it looks just like me!” I’ll be like, “That looks nothing like you.” Then they’ll say, “What are you talking about?! We both have short brown hair and brown eyes!” Alright! Now you can just white-out the face, weight and height and you’ll be set! Morons.

-The funniest thing though is when kids actually try to use these ID’s that look nothing like them. They’ll give the bouncer the ID and then try to contort their face to look like the person in the picture while explaining that “it’s an old picture,” when it’s already someone who looks 4 years older anyway!!

-This is pretty random, but you know those sanitary toilet-seat covers in public restrooms? Why the hell is do you have to punch out the centers of them? Were they just too lazy to finish cutting them out?! And then, are you supposed to tear it out completely or so that it’s still attached to the back? What the fuck!

-Have you ever seen these people around that have the same backpack from sixth grade that still has stuff all over it? Like safety pins, duct tape, homemade hemp bracelets, necklaces, keychains, bumper stickers, patches, wallets whatever. It’s ridiculous. They might as well just wear a fucking bulletin board on their back and peddle worthless shit around campus. I would buy it all just so they could get a new backpack that doesn’t make me wanna rip things off of it.

-Well, it’s now nearing the end of first semester of sophomore year and I still haven’t declared a major. Everyone always told me, “Oh don’t worry, just take a lot of different classes and eventually you’ll find out what you’re really passionate about.” I’m still looking for that damn class. I study the course atlas online daily waiting for a new department called “Omnology.” It’s the study of a little bit of everything. I hear it makes for a very flexible approach to the job market. Oh damn! Did I just say “job market!” Ever since I realized that I will turn 20 on my next birthday, my vocabulary has taken a turn for the worst. Kegs. Beer. Girls. Sleep. Ahhh. . . Sometimes I get carried away and have to go back to basics. It’s a college thing.

More Like This

Comedy Courses