Recently, I was visiting my buddy Joe's house (for you truly dedicated readers, this is Philippino Joe, not Joe the Tile Guy, who incidentally, is now Joe the Teacher because he graduated college but I digress). Because he is in his mid twenties, Joe got married (I think this is a law or something) and because he is an industrious worker, he bought a house. Joe's marriage will most likely be a good one because (and fellas, listen up because this is important), his wife does not work.
(Note: seriously, if you want to stay married for a long time, just earn enough cash so that the wife doesn't have to work. Women will put up with a lot of crap if the alternative is going out and getting a fucking job. I don't make up this shit. I simply live it and convey it.)
Anyway, one of the four bedrooms in Joe's house is what he calls his “Man Room.” In this room is one big screen TV, thirty-seven autographed pictures, posters, footballs and jerseys (and yes, I counted), one Play Station 2, a dart board, a humidor for his cigars, a liquor cabinet and a Kegarator. When I first saw this room (I hadn't seen Joe in almost a year due to the fact that he wasn't yet bored with his new wife), Joe and I had the following exchange:
Me: Is this heaven?
Joe: No, Nate. This is my Man Room.
Now, here's why I'm bothering to waste your time with this story. Sunday afternoon, Joe and I were watching the 4 PM games in his Man Room when we heard a knock on the door. Joe stood up, opened the door, saw his beautiful, young wife standing there with a tray filled with some spicy foods I couldn't name (for those that don't know, cuisine from the Philippines, much like the people, is some combination of Spanish and Asian? wait, Asian isn't a cuisine style? shit, I'm digressing again), grabbed the food, thanked her, then closed the door on her.
“Dude, she's not gonna eat with us?” I asked.
“Hell no, dude. She's not allowed in the Man Room,” said Joe.
And then he ripped a nasty fart.
Now that, ladies and gentlemen, is a marriage.
On to the picks. As always, home teams in CAPS.
Bengals (-51/2) over BUCS
I've reached the point with the Bucs this season where I don't care if they win or not. Seriously, I'm looking to the future here. And the future's gonna require a few personnel moves on defense, an improvement to the O-Line, a few receivers that can actually catch the fucking ball and the retention of Bruce Gradkowski (the new quarterback who, incidentally, makes Chris Simms look like a ruptured spleen). Anyway, I told my friend Carl that I felt that Gradkowski needed a nickname, and after careful consideration, Carl came up with Bruceski (sounds like: Brewski).
And I'm sold.
Go Bucs. You can win with Bruceski.
REDSKINS (-10) over Titans
I had a dream that Joe Gibbs threatened to kill me if I didn't pick his team. He said it had something to do with the collective internet-karma push that every team needs. I told him that he was totally making stuff up, and he smacked me?hard?on the left cheek. Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke, which completely confused Jessica Alba and the Dahm triplets.
COWBOYS (-13) over Texans
Terrell Owens is complaining that he isn't getting the ball enough. Also, the sky is still blue, grass is still green and I'm pretty sure that there are a few problems in the middle east. I notice little things like this; that's what separates me from the pack.
LIONS (+1) over Bills
This game honestly doesn't deserve to be televised. And, since I don't even want to waste my brainpower typing about it, I'm gonna hand the proverbial microphone to reader Gene from Detroit:
“How does it feel being one of the only people to pick the Tigers over the Yankees in the LCS? Those assholes at ESPN make a mint and none of them saw that coming. I truly hope that your mom is proud. By the way, you do a very good impression of Joe Morgan.”
Thanks, Gene. Mom is proud. As for how it feels? Let me borrow Joe Morgan's voice and use it to explain how I feel about being one of the few people to pick the Tigers over the Yankees:
“The thing is, when you pick these games, you can't know for sure if you're going to be right or not. I mean, that's why they play the games. And sometimes you're right and sometimes you're not. And frankly, I think that's what makes picking games such an interesting hobby. You never know what to expect. In this case I was right. Now, did I know I was going to be right? Absolutely not. But I was and I'm? I'm pleased with it.”
Seahawks (-3) over RAMS
The Seahawks have had two weeks to think about that pounding they took at the hands of the Bears and as such, the Ocean Birds will come out with sharpened beaks. Meanwhile, according to the media, the Rams keep “finding ways to win”, which is announcer speak for, “Is it me, or are these guys lucking out some close games?”
FALCONS (-3) over Giants
This is the game where the Giants discover that, though they have a good team, they do not have a playoff-winning team. This is the game where Eli Manning discovers that, though he had managed to come through in the clutch a few times, he is still a Manning. And this is the game that causes the New York media to literally reign a hellfire of negative press on the five burrows. In other words, I'm watching this one.
SAINTS (+31/2) over Eagles
Okay, this is gonna sound a little strange to some of you but I'm telling you anyway. I have been to New Orleans on four occasions, and each time I've been I have felt the presence of ghosts or spirits (or whatever the hell you want to call them). Now, I'm not one of those spiritualist weirdos who believes in astrology or any of that new age crap, I just know what I feel. And I feel that, thanks to the horrors of Hurricane Katrina, some of these ghosts have sought permanent refuge in the Super Dome. I don't know if these ghosts are affecting the games or not, but I'm not taking any chances with the Saints at home.
And no, I haven't been drinking. So there.
RAVENS (-3) over Panthers
This was the hardest pick of the week for me. I called my Dad, my friends Mark and Tony and I even emailed Court Sullivan (I know, I know, but desperate times and all that) for their opinions on this game. And I'm still not sold on my pick. Hell, if you asked me why I was picking the Ravens, I wouldn't have a real answer for you. I would probably say something like, “They're at home.” Anyway, I wouldn't bet on this with Monopoly money.
JETS (-2) over Dolphins
The Jets have to be some kind of pissed, huh? I mean the Jaguars killed them, ate them and then crapped them out into a blender, turned the blender on puree, poured them over ice, drank them and pissed them onto a pile of dead babies. I mean, that has to upset a team, you know?
Oh, come on. Don't act like that. You know.
Chargers (-10) over 49ERS
I know a guy who met a guy named Francisco Diego. Now, I've never met Francisco. For all I know, he's a voodoo-practicing vegetarian whose favorite sport is lawn bowling. Nevertheless, I mean, if your name was Francisco Diego, you would have to watch this game, wouldn't you? I mean, if my name was Kansas Pittsburgh, you can bet money I'd be watching this next game.
STEELERS (-7) over Chiefs
Yes, the Steelers look bad this year. Yes, they look weaker each week. Yes, Ben Rothenfloozer is having an off year. Yes, the Steeler defense is banged up. Yes, I'm typing the word “yes” too much. And no, I don't care. The thing is, and never forget this, Herm Edwards coaches the Chiefs. That's worth four points, right there.
BRONCOS (-15) over Raiders
Thanks to Matt Leinart's borderline-competent performance last week for the Cardinals, the Raiders are the only team in the league yet to cover a spread. They have pushed once and failed to cover every other time. Ordinarily, I wouldn't bet that a Jake Plummer-led offense could beat any team by fifteen points, but this is no ordinary team. This is the 2006 Raiders (Motto: We're not Only Inept Failures, We're also Drunk!).
Chicago (-10) over ARIZONA
Here's how sad this matchup is. I get all my lines from the America's Line website. And for some reason, they didn't have this game on their site. So, I just went to USA Today to get the spread (after I posted my other picks). But before I even knew the spread I wrote the words, “Chicago () over ARIZONA.” The spread could have been 21 and I'd have taken it.
Last Week: 7-5-2
Overall Record: 35-34-5
Labels: NFL_picks