Sorry I bailed on the Investor's Coroner last week. It's just that Friday I was drunk and Saturday I never got the opportunity because my bedroom was occupied by someone who needed sleep and Sunday I was watching the Cards game and studying financial papers at the same time when I said to myself, “Baseball and the stock market do not belong together.” So I quit thinking and popped a beer and by the time the game was over, I was a little too buzzed to enjoy the finer points of the Microsoft/Yahoo battle. And since zero people emailed to tell me how disappointed they were with the lack of Corner-ness, I decided to offer you an explanation. I'm just that kind of awesome.

I just want to thank everyone in the NFL who had anything to do with the brilliant idea of moving the clock-time for each drafting team from fifteen minutes to ten minutes. That was by far and away the best idea that Roger Goodell has had since he became the league commissioner. In fact, one could make the argument that it's the only good thing that suspension-trigger-happy dude has done since day one. But one would never make that argument, lest one be rude.

Typing of the draft, I also want to hand it to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers who went out of their way to get a great cornerback with a proven history of on the field success and off the field pot smoking. Personally, I can't see how he'll have any problems in Tampa Bay. It's probably much harder to find weed here than it is in Kansas. On a related note, I'm kind of sarcastic.

If you haven't read Court's most recent blog post, you don't know that Paul Frank has a column coming out. No word yet on whether or not y'all will be able to comment on it. But don't worry, if you really want to get nasty you can start a “Paul Frank Sucks” or “Fire Paul Frank” blog, which would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you do indeed have a much lamer life than the average critical commenter. So there you go, Angry Commenters?something to shoot for.

I know it's early in the baseball season, but the Marlins are in first place in the NL East, the Cubs are in first place in the NL Central and the Awful Tampa Bay Rays are tied with the Even Worse Baltimore Orioles for first place in the AL East. If the season ends with all four aforementioned teams in the post season, I will put up a nude picture of myself with a candy bar sticking out of my butt. That's a promise.

I was reading comic strips the other day and I realized something: Dilbert is kind of a spineless queer. Dude needs a girlfriend bad. Or at least a hooker.

Look, I realize sabermetrics are kind of geeky and uncool. I realize that they're not the most poetic way to evaluate a baseball game or a baseball player and yes, I understand that they are not perfect, but the amount of alleged professional sportswriters who are just slamming internet writers and forward thinking people for using said statistics is ridiculous. I mean, would you want a stock broker who evaluated stocks by their sheer “guts” or market “clutchness”? Would you want a doctor who didn't use any new-fangled technologies to save lives? I mean seriously, why all the hate? Personally, I think it has a lot to do with aged writers in an antiquated medium appealing to their aging audience that prefers that medium. But that would be irresponsible journalism, and we all know that doesn't exist, especially when it comes to sportswriters. Those guys are fact freaks.

And finally, because logic and fluidity are still recovering from a nose candy night out, I leave you with the following great advice I overheard at The Smoky Pool Hall:

“It's fine to care about a woman. But don't care too much. They don't respect that.”

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