(Editorial note: For convenience's sake, I'm going to use mostly male-centric language. Really, these tips should be universal, so even if says "he" and you can reach into your bloomers and grab a handful of fleshlettuce, it might apply)

People often ask me for advice: "Hey X, should I get highlights"? "Hey X, what kind of dishwashing liquid works best on tough stains"? "Sir, I assure you our ‘no shirt no shoes no service policy extends to pants and underwear as well. Please leave." With the exception of the last lady, (Sorry, I can't help you if you don't ask a question!), I do my damnedest to provide coherent, clear guidance.

Well, one that's been coming up a lot lately: "Say X, how can I get laid more?" I've generally refrained from answering this question, because I think there are some thing a father and son just shouldn't discuss, but I've come to the internet to break my silence.

See, I've seen or read a lot of the "how to get laid" books. I've drunkenly watched episodes of the Pick-Up Artist, I've read the wikipedia entry on "The Seduction Community." And don't get me wrong — the precepts work. I'm not going to argue with success, and if you want to listen to the man with the VH1 show and the fighter pilot goggles, you go right ahead.

Personally, I kept coming back to the same problem with these helpful guides: they make guys into dicks. And not Statue-of-David, Paul Frank, 7th grade Algebra teacher sort-of-dicks. No, I'm talking National Geographic, spawn of Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter, niche porn-style huge, swinging, dripping dicks. A lot of people, it seems, simply don't want to take that leap, and I can't blame them. If you already get laid a whole lot, or if you want to become a huge dick, then this problably isn't going to be helpful. Hell, it might not be helpful anyway, but at least you didn't pay for it. So you have that going for you.

Tip # 1: It's Not A Competition

Really, I can't get any more prescient than noted wordsmith and 18th Poet Laureate (*crosses fingers*) Bubba Sparxxx: "you ain't gotta sell sex…it sell itself."

I think the metaphors we use kind of undermine our collective efforts to get laid; it's not a war, it's not a sport, it's not a chess match. You're not competing against her — you're on the same team. Better yet, there aren't any teams.

People love getting laid. No, seriously, it's awesome. You don't have to sell anybody on the idea of sex. You're providing somebody with an awesome free service (and they you), and you should approach it as such. There's no shame involved. Tricking somebody into fucking you is tantamount to saying that you're not worth simply fucking. And everybody is worth that, with one caveat:

Be competent in bed. You don't even have to be amazing, and it'll still be pretty good. Make a reasonable effort, be responsive and check your ego at the door. Everybody will have a good time, I promise.

Continue to Part II »