You've all been asking for it.  Scratch that.  A few of you have mentioned it.  Okay, I don't know exactly how many of you there are so I don't know what constitutes a few (I stopped worrying about my readership around the birth of PIC 2.0 because I am easily perplexed by change).  But I've received a few emails about this.  And well, basically, I just want to say that nothing good came out of this year. 

I will now tell you about this year. 

In 2008, I lost my driver's license for ninety days because I drove in a reckless manner (no DUI conviction or drug possession and no peeing in a cup but thanks for asking), I tried the girlfriend thing only to get mowed down like Scarface when I lost my license.  Oh, and I contracted Chlamydia.  Three times. 

Stop laughing. 

Also, in 2008 I won and lost a shit ton of money in the market.  I got used to feeling like a rich genius one day and a poor idiot the next.  Too used to it.  I ended up right back where I started (broke and dumb).

I got to go to jail, too.  In jail I ran into an old friend.  His mug shot was better than mine (he smiled).  Come to think of his girlfriend was better than mine too (I met her in holding).

The USF Bulls sucked this year up. 

Last week, I got off probation.  My PO was a beautiful young black woman who wants to have drinks with me sometime.  She said she'd drive.  And she probably has Chlamydia. 

Fire Joe Morgan called it done.  They were the first writers I ever saw give criticism a good name (they named it Snarky Steve).  I'll miss ‘em. 

I pissed off my brother in law, my brother and many friends because I drink too much and don't understand why people take what anyone says seriously, let alone what I say.  Oh yeah, and I'm an asshole.    

I accidentally shot a physicist with a BB gun.  It turned out he had a heart issue and I had to take him to the hospital when he had a mini-stroke.  He was really embarrassed by this and I lost a lot of respect for him because he cried and he is 29.  Oh, and also, I am a heartless asshole. 

I bought him an original, in the box, Millennium Falcon (Star Wars toy) to make up for shooting him because he is a good guy who believes heavily in monitoring governmental decisions to make stock selections and I needed his help to do so. 

I got drunk and accidentally broke his Millennium Falcon with a baseball. 

Three weeks ago, he walked in on me receiving head from his wife.  In his home.  I was waiting for him to show up from his lab and his wife and I got to talking about his heart condition and what a wuss he can be and how she loves him but she just wished he could be more masculine like the guy who shot him with a BB gun…

Since then, I have lost every dime I have invested.  I also tanked someone else's marriage and lost a good friend because I think being tough is more important than being nice.  I am an asshole.   

In 2008, I lost an important humor site, a good chunk of money, a disease free personal history, love and respect from family and friends and a girlfriend. 

I would have written about it all while it happened because it was funny.  But I decided to keep some stuff for me so I could have some of my life all to myself. 

I don't want this stuff anymore. 

2008 can fuck off. 

Oh, and to borrow from Fast Eddie in "The Color of Money": 

Hey, I'm back. 

Look for a new column next week, blood suckers. 

At least you guys can't give me Chlamydia.

**ENROLLMENT EXTENDED THRU JAN 23** Interested in making comedy your career? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion and #1 NYT bestselling author, created Comedy Business School to teach you exactly how to do it through 5 learning modules.